It's Over

"Hey, why isn't your answer in the form of a vector?"
"Because I have no idea what I'm doing."
"Oh. Uh... okay."
-My last conversation with my calculus professor.

Next week I'm gonna schedule an appointment with the dean of admissions and head of the academic standards committee, Mark Bowers. I'm going to ask him about two subjects I don't understand and hoped never to think about: Dropping out of college and transferring out of state. My position is untenable, my last hope finally lost, and two years of my life have officially burned away on a wasted dream that I was never good enough to pursue. The only regret is that I didn't realize sooner and save myself the time, money, and stress of ultimate failure.

I remember back when I was a child. All my great disappointments were just little hopes and dreams then, waiting for me to grant them some spark of life or finally destroy them all. We all play Shiva to our aspirations. It's never pleasant finding that you've chosen Shiva the Destroyer over Shiva the Benefactor.

Where the fuck am I supposed to go from here?
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Now playing: The Ataris - In This Diary
via FoxyTunes

Change of Plans

I'm not going to upstate Ohio for the weekend, actually. I've got nothing planned Friday. My friend Marissa has a housewarming party planned Saturday night, and Alicia and I are meeting in Dayton at the Wright Patterson Air Force Base to check out the museum on Sunday. If you haven't been to Wright Pat or wanna check it out again, the museum is free. You should totally come with. I think the place is fantastic and they've got the plane that vaporized Nagasaki there next to the B-17G.
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Now playing: Rise Against - The Approaching Curve
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That's Cool...

"...but anyone who blasphemes the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven. This is a sin with eternal consequences." - Mark 3:29

Apostasy is unforgivable. That's pretty sweet. This means that anyone who has at any time declared himself atheist is permanently excommunicated. The Christians can't take us back. I'm happy about this. Now all I have to do is quote scripture to anyone who tries to convert me. It happens often enough so that I'll benefit from knowing this.
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Now playing: The Clientele - Bookshop Casanova
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Skull full of Brick

It's Glenn's spring break. In late February.

Got a call from Glenn right after I got home from school last night, so Glenn, Gabe and I went to Skyline. Then we got our hands on two fifths of Smirnoff and went to Gabe's. Gabe and I drank almost all of it.

I haven't been that trashed in almost a year. Remember the party that went bad early last semester? The one where Meagan got punched? I was less hammered then. Jesus Christ. Huge quantities of screwdriver aren't good for a man with tolerance lowered by a long sober stretch. I might feel like shit now, but tomorrow I'll be smiling about it.
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Now playing: Bishop Allen - Rain
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Getting Out

I'm gonna spend this weekend in upstate Ohio with a few people. Maybe getting out of here for a couple days will remind me what sanity is like. Between school and life, I'm stagnating. Maybe the stress of being just another damn washout can be lessened by a long drive and a few beers in the middle of nowhere.
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Now playing: The Real Tuesday Weld - Last Words
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Vert

I'm thinking of turning my hair green. Not like punk rock bright-ass retard green, but a dark forest green. Your thoughts?

Creepiest Image Ever?

Yep. That's two kids and Jesus' erect penis. Notice that up corresponds with on. Also, the top says "Honor thy mother and father" so you're thinking about your parents when you manhandle Christ's member. What the fuck is wrong with Christians? That's right, Christ, shuffle the minors closer to your cock. They don't look uncomfortable enough yet.

Fuck Yesterday.

9:00 AM - hit off button instead of snooze
10:14 - woke up, made it to class 10 minutes late, only to find the lecture hall empty
11:15 - went to library and found that I'd missed a midterm. Like, never found out it happened.
12:45 PM - made lunch, which boiled over in the microwave
2:00 - computer crashes. I begin virus scans, defragmentation, spyware scans.
3:30 - dog looks me in the eye and shits on the carpet
4:00 - followed some asshole down Orphanage at 5 mph. No lie. Five fucking miles per hour.
6:10 - night class is still on. I spend 40 minutes driving the 8 miles to UC. Windshield wiper blade has gone to shit.
7:35 - quiz starts
8:00 - quiz ends badly
8:35 - leave acoustic brew because the band is fucking awful. They're too stoned to play anything more than 15-minute jam sessions.
9:10 - finally get home, only to find in my inbox an email that said I didn't have to be at calc because the quiz could be made up. It was sent ten minutes after I left the house.
9:12 - go to the basement to find that the toilet is overflowing. Grab plunger, get to work.
9:20 - make soup. It boils over in the microwave.
10:30 - fill out MySpace survey out of boredom
11:54 - put on headphones only to be brutally reminded that my ear is really infected and not getting better
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Now playing: The Mighty Mighty Bosstones - The Rascal King
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That's it!

So I hadn't thought about why I was headed in this direction, but it dawned on me today. I think I've always known, but it only coagulated into real thought today.

I have no ambition.

I know I can be happy at just a minimum of existence and have no goals whatsoever. The future matters none to me, and so long as I can find things to keep me happy in the present things are perfect. I don't give a fuck if I'm stuck in an alley; I'll be the king of my goddamn cardboard castle and jump a train someplace for the winter. We're all told that we need to grow up and have goals and ambition and be motivated. First high school, then college, then you work until, sometime in the distant future, you might get to retire before you die. No emphasis is placed on actually being satisfied with your life. It's all about the continual progression upwards. I, for one, have never believed in it. I've never seen past the use I'd get out of things. Money for money's sake is as worthless as the paper it's printed on. A domicile to share with friends is worth everything. I fell into the trap like the rest of the generation, but I've got to look at things realistically now. I'll have no dependents. Reproduction is nowhere on my agenda. I'll have nobody dragging me along. That's the lure of bachelorhood. I am motivated only so far as will keep me happy and fed, and it takes the barest of minimums to keep me happy.

You kids enjoy the system. I'll live on my own terms.
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Now playing: Bloc Party - Helicopter
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Hope

Only one thing has ever been able to consistently move me to some sort of emotional response. It's the biggest thing we know, but the city hides it and it's been way too long since I've payed attention. Tonight, though, I'm going to look specifically at the sky. The full lunar eclipse is tonight. Last one until 2010. If the sky is clear, anyone with me will notice a sudden change as soon as the full moon is in view. I cease babbling. I just sit there and glare at the sky, thinking it might be nice to visit those stars someday. I dunno... the universe tends to center me. I'm reminded that I'm utterly insignificant, so I shouldn't be stressed. Nothing I do really matters and it doesn't lead up to anything, so I may as well enjoy it while it lasts. I'm just hoping I can sustain this mood.

Thursday night will kill it, though. I always leave Calculus with the intense craving for a stiff drink and a barstool to myself, where I don't have to make eye contact with other people. Oy ve. This funk has lasted too long. Figured I might be able to force a smile by now, I guess.
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Now playing: David Bowie - Ziggy Stardust
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Size Does Matter

I chilled with Meagan again tonight. It was me, Kayla, Meagan, and occasionally Jason, Tamra, and/or Amber. Nothing interesting happened. It utterly contrasted with last night. Every little gathering like this goes that way. It's utterly chill. No feelings are hurt; nobody freaks out. Everyone seems to generally enjoy the time. We watched Factory Girl. It was nice. Sad movie, but the act of watching it was quiet, subdued... happy. Maybe it's just that we never have alcohol at the small gatherings. We have before, though. They went well, too. I think the reason these are so blissfully chill is that even if we do have booze, we don't have crowds. There are too few people and we're too comfortable to get really excited. I sometimes catch myself thinking how I tolerated the drama last semester. Now I realize that it's reasonably spread out. Most of the time I spend with this crew is spent in little gatherings like this, and it's so unremarkable and pleasant that I don't remember it. Bad experiences, on the other hand, get burned into your mind.

Chill nights rule.
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Now playing: The Killers - Smile Like You Mean It
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By The Way...

I'm so incredibly glad I've cultivated a reputation as straight up worthless as relationship material. I've instead built a reputation as an older brother. A living crutch. A general good guy with an evil sense of humor. Anything but a boy. I can't tell you how handy it comes in on nights like this. Jesus H. Christ in a fucking chicken basket...

And there I was, thinking all I'd be dealing with is physical trauma. Now I remember why I don't feel safe drinking at these events. Gods forbid I should forget again.

Music!

I've got nothing new. Well, I picked up Infinity on High, the second Fall Out Boy album, for distribution. I can't say I was as impressed by it as by From Under the Cork Tree. I'll happily throw praise at that one. Anyway, I'm mostly blogging because I've had a change of tastes. Tahiti 80 is soul-influenced to the core, so I've been listening to Soul Street (An XM channel) all day. It's good stuff. Reminds me of the disco/funk addiction of 8th grade.

Also, for anyone who doesn't pay attention, Panic at the Disco has a new single, "Nine in the Afternoon," that sounds nothing like the stuff from A Fever You Can't Sweat Out. I'll say without pause that I'm a fan of Panic, so I'm excited by this change of sound. They also seem to have dropped the ! from their name.

That's it. Peace out, wall monkeys.
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Now playing: The Wallflowers - Into The Mystic (American Pie 3 Sdtrk)
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2-Tone

Or two orders of business, rather. First, does anyone else think things have really died down recently? I remember fall quarter when I was almost never at my house before three or four AM. Now I'm rarely out of my house after 6. It's baffling. I'm bored as fuck and have no idea what to do about it.

Second, my reply to your replies: The roles I think you guys take, etc.

Brandon, like he said, is an NPC. Kaitlin also fits this role. Too lazy to actually plan anything and in the habit of dodging problems, they manage to stay involved and irrelevant when they want to. NPCs provide variety above all, each desired for different reasons but ultimately outside the process of creating and running events. The positives: they can always disengage from anything and avoid the bigger messes. In addition, they can get something out of a situation they put no effort into furthering. The negatives: Nobody really gets to know them and nobody gives a fuck. NPCs are disposable.

Meagan is definitely a catalyst. Things would invariably happen without someone filling that role, but I can guarantee they'd be less exciting, less often, and happen slower. She instigates things, provides a place for them to happen, and accelerates whatever takes off. The positives: She's always having fun or pretending to do so and because she enriches social lives in general, most people are excited to see her drop by. The negatives: Catalysts are always followed by evil drama and wear bad juju like a cloak.

Jimmy is a promoter. He decides that things should happen and gets them rolling, enlisting any other players to spread the word. As a promoter, he can run things with the finesse seen in his DMing and with the introduction of a catalyst can make for extreme events. The positives: Without the scattered promoters, nothing would get done because nobody would put in the initial effort to get things rolling. The negatives: Just a few promoters can flood the market and lead to competition to get anything going. The biggest threat to the promoter is someone who is already busy.

Joseph is the socialite. While the term is usually reserved for women, it technically can be used for both genders. He has little or nothing to do with getting events off the ground, but once an event is running, he brings his superior party skills to bear and uses a few choice talents (In his case cooking and soon to be music) to rouse the crowds and keep them happy and coming back. The positives: Joseph is guaranteed to be invited to everything and he can put his talents to use in a way that improves both the skills and the events. The negatives: Eventually, those talents become better known than the person using them. Joseph continually risks being seen as a cook and musician rather than an attendee.
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Now playing: Reel Big Fish - Beer
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Side Note!

If you've a black leather or khaki fabric belt of fifty inches or more lying around, I've been looking to get my hands on a pair. They're for a project of dubious nature that involves weaponizing a trench coat. Shiny brass buckles or clasps are preferable, but really I'll take anything thrown at me.

Also, Check out Tahiti 80. I've become an addict and will send the albums around if I can get my paws on them.
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Now playing: Mute Math - Typical
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Generic Valentine's Day Post

I'm single, don't give a fuck, and have an awful exam coming up in six hours. I might have to buy myself some chocolate for shits and giggles. Here's hoping that tomorrow comes faster.


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Life: The RPG

Ever get the feeling you've got one specific role within your social groups? I get that feeling all the time. With some individuals I'm a sort of shrink - a place where people can sink sad stories and bounce thoughts around - but for the most part I fit one role only: I am the diplomat. My goal is always to look at things objectively and never take sides until I have the facts. If I see a crisis, I always offer to moderate and propose solutions and sweeping compromises that leave everyone as happy as possible. I seem to excel at this, since I generally succeed in staying on everyone's good side damn near all the time. I'm often the person that interjects into a rant to explain to someone the side of the person they're ranting about and rather than always support my friends like I'm expected to, I try to make sure the friends understand all points of view in the argument. This may get me in trouble sometimes, but it works wonders in the long run.

What are your thoughts? Are you a diplomat, a catalyst-instigator, a planner, or something else entirely? Do you agree with my assessment of myself? Discuss!
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Now playing: David Bowie - Space Oddity
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Micro-Blog 35

Looks like I'm gonna get fucked on Valentines Day after all.

I've got a calculus midterm at 6:30.

If I fail this midterm I'm not gonna bother registering for classes next quarter.

Already Written

I was gonna do a post today, but it's already been written for me. Read this and take the exact opposite of every detail.

This, my friends, is the official "not cut out for college" rant. My situation here is more or less untenable, so I may as well check out my alternatives. Way I see it I can go for one of two things. The first is run to NKU and give sociology a try. Well, sociology or something like that. I hate people with a passion but I find their habits and behavior intensely interesting. I could very easily be a shrink or a government statistician who studies the odd things people do for a living. The other is a trade job. Try to get myself into a steel foundry. I like metals. I went for engineering because I wanted the technical knowledge of them, but hell with that. If I can't make it I'll happily work at the forge, letting the engineers do the thinking while I get hazard pay to play with molten metal. I'm not sure where the nearest foundry is, though. Maybe Gallatin Steel. I'm also not sure how to go about getting a job of that sort with little or no previous experience in the subject.
Looks hopeless all around, I suppose.
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Now playing: Fall Out Boy - I Slept With Someone in Fall Out Boy and All I got was this Stupid Song Written about me
via FoxyTunes

Just shoot me now.

Back of the head, please. I don't want to feel it.

"February 6, 2008
Dear Mr. Hodge:
The Committee on Academic Standards at its January 30th meeting reviewed your total record following receipt of your Autumn Quarter grade report. It was noted that your quality point average (QQPA) for the quarter was 1.821, less than the 2.00 minimum required, for the second consecutive quarter.
Your record shows you to be deficient in the following required curricular courses:
DEFICIENCIES NOTED:
MATH 257 Calc Lab - 1 cr. (F)
MATH 264 Calculus IV - 5 cr. (W). You are repeating this fundamental class this Winter Quarter 2008. You must pass it on this second attempt, else you face Suspension, if not Dismissal, from the College.
MATH 273 Differential Equations - 5 cr (not taken)
In light of the above, the Committee has voted that you be placed on ACADEMIC PROBATION until you improve your overall record. To be removed from probation, you need to avoid further deficiencies and catch up to within four credit hours of your standard curriculum.
Your entrance into Co-op will have to be delayed.
Please feek free to contact me at the College office if you have questions.
Sincerely, Mark T. Bowers, PhD, PE
Chairman, Committee of Academic Standards"

That's right, kids, my current standing at UC is as follows:
No coop spring quarter. I'll be able to coop summer quarter at the soonest.
I have to pass every class this quarter, with no withdrawals, or face expulsion. I am currently failing Materials and Energy Balance badly, barely passing Organic Chemistry, and failing Calc IV catastrophically. Failing Calc again is a sure way to get ejected from the college of engineering. There you have it, on paper: The first hard evidence that I'm a fucking failure. Oh, boy!

Funny how this came right after my future prediction post, eh? How's the sociology program at NKU? What the fuck can you do with such a degree? I need a hug.

For the Record

Just so you know, like I haven't said this enough, I am really, intensely against marriage. I don't like the concept. I don't believe in it. It's too solid, too permanent. Stop assuming I'll one day end up stuck in one. Don't claim to know me and then say I'll end up married when everything I do runs contrary to that outcome. Thank you, that is all.

Also, started Nineteen Eighty-Four today. BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING

Coherent Predictathon!

So I was thinking about Nikki's comment on the last post. Figured I'd try to guess what the next ten years held for me and my friends. Here's what I've got:

If I survive this year, I'll be an engineer in ten. I'll likely be stuck here in this city I've grown so used to. I mean, I love travel, but I don't see myself living anywhere else. I'll be making most of what my parents make now combined, and without two kids to support I can buy a decent home and live there with myself or friends or something. I don't want to think about not surviving this year. I can say one thing, though: I'll be happy wherever I end up. If I'm an engineer in a house with my friends or a college dropout with a small flat and a crappy job, I'll be happy. If I can do anything it's make the best of whatever I've gotten myself into.

Brandon will most likely be on the east cost or in Europe, having long since abandoned this hell hole of a metropolitan area for kinder pastures. I'm guessing five years before we lose contact with him completely. If he's nailed one pillar of Buddhism, it's the ability to ditch attachment and leave things behind.

Meagan... She's got two ways to go, I think. If she lives to 28, she's likely gonna be a local artist, chilling around Cincy like me and living where she can. Kinda bleak, but that's the bohemian life of an artist-spaz. [shrug] If her half-joke goal works out, we've got her for another seven. I really hate to make a "successful or dead" prediction, but I really think that's the situation we're looking at. :-\

Nikki's own plan is the standard get married, have kids, settle down thing. By her own admission she's not putting any effort into that, but it could happen. I don't see her leaving the area, either.

Alicia has the same plan. She's rather more likely to have done it by 2018. She'll be in bufu Ohio, living the faltering American dream of decades past.

For some reason I see Kaitlin as a French teacher somewhere. Dunno why. The setting is irrelevant. All I can predict is that it's suburban.

Julie's headed to California. Dunno how she'll fare there, but that's where she ends up. Girl's gonna run west and never look back.

Jimmy seems to have settled already.

Joseph's either a touring jazz performer or a band director someplace. If he hits it big in jazz, though, he's gonna end up with the sort of wealthy traveling lifestyle his father's got now.

No idea where the fuck Joey's going. Really. Not a clue.

That, my friends, is my guess at the future. Feel free to leave your own ideas, revise mine, or follow me in taking a stab at what's next for us.

Ramble-Babble

Last week was intense, but this one already looks good. What's become the usual travesty of my visits to Alexandria is running out of steam. That's good. Most of my friends are in good moods or at least pretending. [shrug] Looks like it'll be an okay week. Cold as balls, though.

Anyway, details:
-Interview with AK Steel on Wednesday. You sons of bitches should hope for a hire. Otherwise I'm living in bufu someplace.
-Might run up to Jackson Center this weekend. We'll see. I'll figure that one out when it matters.
-Pan's Labyrinth was mediocre. Why did no one tell me it was in Spanish?

Yeah, this post was real disorganized and a lot of meaningless rambling. Meh
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Now playing: Badly Drawn Boy - All Possibilities
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"Y sayathee sacred Feth."

You know, sometimes I wonder what the fuck I'm doing. I don't need this stress. Why am I dealing with this shit, this baggage that isn't mine? I can never produce an honest, solid answer. For some odd reason that I'll never be able to put into words, I keep going back. I stay on damage control. Maybe I've grown attached and refuse to let go. Maybe it's just the right thing to do. Maybe it's both or neither and I'll never be able to say.

Maybe one day things will settle down. But when they do, will I be satisfied? I get this nagging feeling that if I can solve one crisis, I'll find another. I've been attracting trouble for as long as I can remember. Everyone's broken. I guess I'm just trying to save the world, one lost soul at a time. I stay sane by repairing what damage I can.

I'm still amazed by the quality of the friendships I'm building. When everything seems to be crumbling, new support comes out of the dust.
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Now playing: The Format - Snails
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Musics!

Got some new shit for the hard drive horde:
Jimmy Eat World's new album, "Chase This Light"
Ben Kweller's "Sha Sha"
"Final Straw," the album Snow Patrol put out before Grey's Anatomy made them famous.
And last but not least, the mp3 of "Such Great Heights" covered by Ben Folds.

Get it while it's hot, bitches!
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Now playing: Always Be - Jimmy Eat World
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Only in death, does duty end.

I just laid down what is almost certain to be the best read of 2008. I knew Abnett was good, but Holy Throne... I'll be hard-pressed to find a follow up that's acceptable next to this.
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Now playing: Ben Folds - Bitches Ain't Shit
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Reasons

Best day evar!

-Had lunch at Frisch's. Haven't eaten there in about five years. The server was really nice and drew a smiley on my check, so he got a 50% tip.
-Found exactly what I was looking for at the Village for five bucks. Seriously. Five dollars. Meagan wins.
-The sun came out. It's about seventy damn degrees. I drove home with the sunroof open, the windows down, and Green Day blasting.

I presume it'll get better as the day continues.

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Now playing: The Lashes - New Best Friend
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Gunshot Wound to the Plans

I had plans today. Unfortunately, lab killed them all. I intended to play D&D with Jimmy and his crew tonight, but instead of taking two hours like it was supposed to, this week's lab actually went beyond the 5:30 limit. The reaction I was cooking up was supposed to heat for about an hour, where it'd reach 180 degrees (Celsius, naturally) and sit for ten minutes. Instead, it sat on the hot plate for over two hours. I finally took the reaction off the plate after 2:10. The maximum temperature was 175. Still got a large yield, but I'll have to go back Friday to rinse and filter the sample and recrystallize. If things had gone smoothly, I would have finished and had time to play with Jimmy. Unfortunately, he's no longer online and I've got limited means of contact. Should have been there at four. Instead I got home at twenty to seven. Son of a bitch! That's okay, at least the exam this morning was about the least pleasant thing I've done all year. Also, the TA spilled cinnamaldehyde on my hand, so it reeks of cinnamon. Oh, joy. Today was awesome!
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Now playing: Dispatch - Here We Go
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Brandon's Mom!

Hur hur!

Anyway, she's thinking of opening a restaurant in Alexandria by the Kroger. For more info, read Brandon's blog post about it. Should be pretty damn sweet if it works out, so pitch your support and maybe help come up with a name for the place.

Shameless plug over. You may now return to your regularly scheduled boredom.
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Now playing: Rodrigo y Gabriela - Ixtapa
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Descent of Angels

Finished yet another Horus Heresy book, Descent of Angels. I expected a tale of the legion's founding and its fall. I got the former. Half the book was about the knightly orders of Caliban on which the legion's traditions are based. A sixth or so is of the Emperor's visit and its transformation into a legion of the Astartes. the last third is a single planet's compliance. Huge quantities of talk with very little combat, and all set two centuries before the events of the Heresy.

I wasn't impressed.

Also, went trench coat hunting today. Won't be doing that again for a while. Dillards and Jos A. Bank gave me prices between $175 and $477 for what is essentially a calf-length cotton jacket. Jesus shit. Uncalled for. Example of a "cheap" coat. I don't get it. It's cotton and polyester. This should be a forty dollar jacket at most.
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Now playing: Jimmy Eat World - The Authority Song
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Who you gonna call?

Went ghost hunting with Meagan, Julie, Sean, and Tamra's crew. It involved gravel roads and grounding my car and I wanna kill people. Other unfortunate happenings: I ended up in Julie's car for a bit. She had the heat on max the whole time and drives just over the speed limit. Also, I've decided Julie and I will never share a taste in music. Grr... That's why I drive everywhere. I can rule my car with an iron fist and since I know my car I can take it at exactly the right speed and modulate the climate so the windows aren't fogged and the air isn't stifling. It's a neat trick.

Anyway, the night was an unmitigated failure, but I don't resent it like this post would have you believe. It was okay, I suppose. Just should have known better than to go looking for something that doesn't exist.

I think I'm going trench coat hunting tomorrow. Three stores in the Crestview Hills mall are likely to have what I'm looking for: Skeffington's, Dillards, Jos. A Bank. If I go reclusive and decide I'm not talking to people in the near future, let it be known that this is the post that saw it coming. You can no longer be surprised if I'm bitter and openly hostile for a while. Maybe I just need a stiff drink or something.
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Now playing: The Bloodhound Gang - The Bad Touch
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