Going Away

I'm getting the hell out of here for the weekend. I'm not telling you where I'm going, but it's about 200 miles distant. You can text me if you'd like, but now seems like a good time to leave this blasted city for sparser zones.

Also, fuck your moping! Get happy!
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Now playing on iTunes: Maritime - Guns Of Navarone
via FoxyTunes

Nocturne

When I first tried second shift, it killed my social life. Turns out it wasn't the shift, it was the forty hours a week. I tried first and I'm tired of showing up to work a zombie and almost nodding off on the morning drive every day. I start second shift Monday. My hours are 3:30-12:00, Monday through Friday. That means I'll be hideously late for anything on Friday nights and I'm working instead of any hanging out on weekdays that I wasn't really doing in the first place. Also, I can use the newfound midday to scout out Cincy State and take motorcycle classes. I can also run into Jordan and Kyo and god knows who Thursday nights at the Dock.

In other news, I found the Zippo Blu at the Crestview Hills smoke shop, so I don't have to drive to Dayton for one. Yes, that's right. I'm going to throw fifty dollars at a lighter that I will use primarily for cigars. Fortunately, I'll get home at night with nothing to do most nights so I'll have more opportunity to light up. All I have to do now is get an extension cord to reach the table on the patio so I can smoke and chat after work. It'll be grand!
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Now playing on iTunes: Panic At The Disco - Mad As Rabbits
via FoxyTunes

You're Not Alone

I can feel the spell breaking. Fucking finally, yeah? I see good moods in the future and less fucking moping. Go me!

You'd think as an empath I'd never have crises of connection. Maybe I was cured in a storm of violence and stress and the little girl's tears marking my shirt. Who knows? I'm just happy about it.
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Now playing on iTunes: Paramore - That's What You Get
via FoxyTunes

Party Blog!

http://fiveawesome.blogspot.com/

I'm not sure who the contributing editors will be, but save this link.
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Now playing on iTunes: Ted Leo & The Pharmacists - La Costa Brava
via FoxyTunes

Echo from the Valleys

It's not any one of you. It's everyone and me. Me for my refusal to make plans for myself, the time of year for finals and finding new jobs, my job for sending me to bed early and getting me up at sunrise, and the various boyfriends for whom so many people violate Rule One (Bros Before Hoes, or a gender-corrected equivalent). It is all of this and none of it and I just felt like bitching.

The problem with being a loner is that you can't reverse your whole lifestyle in a second on the occasion you get tired of being alone.

I've grown quite tired of being alone and I can't do shit about it.
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Now playing on iTunes: Panic At The Disco - Northern Downpour
via FoxyTunes

And the Valleys in Between

There's got to be a reason I feel as though I've been abandoned by the crew that changed me most.

Jimmy and Alicia force their way into my life frequently. Brandon is omnipresent. Where have the rest of you been?

I've been radically altered and forged into something new and vicious and for once caring and I've been left behind.
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Now playing on iTunes: Panic At The Disco - That Green Gentlemen (Things Have Changed)
via FoxyTunes

Look! Another one!

Been a long time since I got new music, so it's naturally been a long time since the last blog about it.

New albums in the bank:
Panic at the Disco - Pretty. Odd.
The Cure - Greatest Hits
Matchbox Twenty - Exile on Mainstream

If you want any, hit me up!
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Now playing on iTunes: Matchbox Twenty - How Far We've Come
via FoxyTunes

The Nature of Blogs

"Too much talking these days. Talk talk talk. This country would get along much better if people learned how to suffer in silence." - Mr. Wednesday in Neil Gaiman's American Gods

I remember when this fad started. I got one and Nikki already had one and Meagan's was well-established. We thought we'd use them to vent. You spill your soul to the blog because you don't want to spill it to people. Then you realize you're basically telling your friends anyway and you only say half the shit you mean to. I still won't write any of my real problems into mine. The closest I came to that was a few posts when I first started. I think it never really was about having a shoulder to cry on. I think it was never about what you said, but how you said it.

It's not so much venting as revealing the personality you've been hiding. I can see that in any of the blogs I read. I can see Nikki's instability and Brandon's depression and Kaitlin's extreme insecurity and the fact that behind all the drugs and sex and partying, Meagan is just a scared little girl who is desperately clinging to what stability she can find. And in mine I can see less of the arrogant bastard I am in real life and more of the insecure, paranoid, lonely jackass that I am in my own head. It becomes not an expression of your fears or doubts or sob stories so much as an expression of you as you really are. We read and learn. Read about the events and the dreams and the terrors and learn perspectives we never knew were there. It's nice that it turns out this way. As friends grow closer, what they think becomes irrelevant. It's how and why and what makes them tick that we care about. How do I make you happy? Why are you down? What can I do to help?

Blogs were never about venting. They were about growing the whole time.

Because I Said I Would.

And for fans of Arena Rock, The "More Cowbell!" Mix!

Sweet Satan!

I just got new tires on my VW. Immediately drove from Tire Discounters onto 275, then 471 and around to Pike Street on 75/75S. I passed a truck at 50 inside the sharp curve at the bottom of Park Hills. The damn thing rolls like it's brand new. I'm really glad I threw in the extra money for higher-grade tires that corner better.

When you enjoy driving as much as I do, getting new tires is like trading in your girlfriend for a better model.
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Now playing on iTunes: Coldplay - Speed Of Sound
http://foxytunes.com/artist/coldplay/track/speed+of+sound

Trendy

Seems Brandon has started a trend. Cameron's ten things to do premortem:

-Pilot's license
-Motorcycle license
-Buy a new Audi
-Own a house
-Learn French
-Learn Spanish
-Leave the country
-Leave the continent
-Kill a man
-Take the midnight train going anywhere, spend some time as a hobo (Includes a stop at the annual hobo convention in Britt, Iowa.)

iTunes is working! My library at present is one Metro Station CD, though, so that'll take some fixing.
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Now playing on iTunes: Metro Station - Wish We Were Older
http://foxytunes.com/artist/metro+station/track/wish+we+were+older

We have a pulse!

I'm way too lazy to manually find all my old bookmarks, so I have a task for you:

Link me to your favorite webcomics!

Thanks,
Cameron

PC Issues and Cancelled Parties

If you're planning on coming here tomorrow, change your plans. With my PC out of action I couldn't plan it myself and so I couldn't perfect anything. In the future, I'll tell anyone who wants to plan anything here to wait until I can plan it myself. Sorry for the inconvenience. It'll be rescheduled. Amber's newfound health will be celebrated in good time.

That didn't work.

Go back and read my first couple posts. They detail the destruction of my social life by a second shift job. I thought first shift would change that. It didn't do shit. Now instead of showing up late for events I don't show up for them at all because I have to sleep if I don't want to be dead the next day. I'm either working or bored or sleeping and I'm always tired. I'd have to go to bed at ten every night to get eight hours. At least with second shift I got enough sleep and I was fully awake at night when events did happen. I should be at Jimmy's at the moment. I figured I'd get home at four, shower and eat, and be there around five. Instead I'm dead on my feet again. I have no attention span and I'm unwilling to socialize. Fuck this. Fuck it all. I'm asking CBS to switch me to second shift when this assignment runs out.

First shift, you have failed me.

Working Working Working

Just an update. I'll shell one of these out occasionally to make up for lack of IM, Facebook, and MySpace activity.

Got the car washed and waxed yesterday. Still need to do the wheels and windows, but that can wait a few weeks until I get the window fixed and replace my tires. What matters is that the leather shines.

I'm trying to install DSL (Damn Small Linux) on my flash drive. If I manage that I'll have a version of FireFox that's bootable from that and I'll have internet access again. Hopefully DSL can use my wireless card.

All my favorites are gone, naturally. I'll need you all to leave a link to your blogs as comments on this message.

Finally, if you haven't heard the news, Amber kicked cancer's ass. Expect a shindig in celebration.

-Cameron

Update update update:
Bought a hard drive today. It isn't as big as the old one - only 40 gigs versus 60, but I only use 20-30 anyway so it doesn't matter. I should be computing freely again by Friday night. That's when I'll start checking all of your blogs again.

Text me sometime, people. I'm feeling a little left out without my internet. If you don't have the number, comment me and I'll post it for you.

Hey, bad news!

I got called in to work this morning from 6-11 AM. I can't get out of it, but I'll be here to work on the car by noon. Hopefully you volunteers check blogs when you wake up like I do. I'd have posted this earlier, but

Problem #2: My hard drive failed. My laptop therefore doesn't work. At all. I'm going to check this, Facebook, and MySpace daily but I don't have your blogs because I lost my favorites. I should have this fixed in a week or two. Until then don't expect me to IM anyone; I won't have access to a client. As I've just lost my primary means of communication, I suspect I'll go absolutely bat-fuck insane within the week, as I'm basically unable to communicate with any of you.

Stagnation

Nothing is wrong and that scares the shit out of me.

My friendships have settled down. I've gone without the slightest crush since January. I have a job that pays just well enough to support me. Nothing at all is wrong. Life is great right now. I can't tell you how unhappy that makes me, but I can explain why it freaks me out.

I am not internally motivated. If I'm going to change I have to be forced. I didn't drop out of college, I was removed because I stagnated and failed out. I didn't get rid of my Nissan; my parents made me replace it. I thrive in disaster because it motivates me. It forces my hand. Right now, with nothing going wrong, nothing will force me to do anything and I'm worried I could stay like this forever. You know I have no desire at all to go back to college? All I have is a desire to have that desire. I don't feel like I have much of a purpose and I don't know what to do about it. I'm so used to cleaning up messes that I don't know how to live when life settles down and I'm not sure how I can learn or if I can ever really be happy with happiness. The only thing that can lay me low is good times, I guess. Maybe that's the side effect of living so close to nervous breakdown for so long. Maybe you find that without regular misery you can't experience real joy.

Welcome to life in low-contrast.

Chariot Polish

Sometime in the near future I'm detailing my car. Gonna get the tires rotated and aligned this week, and probably next weekend I want to fully wash, polish, and wax the Jetta inside and out. Got to clean the dust off the dash, the scratches out of the paint, and the brake dust off my alloy wheels. It'll take forever if I'm alone doing it, though, so I'm asking for your help. I drive several of you around, so it'd be great if I could get some volunteers to shine up a car that serves everyone.

Thanks,
Cameron
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Now playing: Weezer - My Name Is Jonas
via FoxyTunes

Exaggerations.

I've come to realize that Ethan and I are exaggerations of our progenitors. My dad cares little about anything. His apathy is astounding. My mom can't say no to a call for aid. We have each chosen a parent.

I took myself to ruin by putting others first. I care so little for my own mental health that I'll let myself get to the breaking point in the process of worrying about others and often base my mood on how my cadre as a whole is feeling. I can't explain why I do it. It just seems natural and right to give a damn, even when people are shouting that some friends are lost causes. Fortunately, it led to a group of friends that really cares and a reputation I'm absolutely proud of.

Ethan, on the other hand, doesn't even respect his own mother. He's short-tempered and violent. Mom often comes home crying, thinking she failed as a parent. Ethan has failed as a person. He does nothing for anyone and serves only himself and has therefore ended up with few if any friends and no confidantes to speak of.

I think I'm just waiting for WWIII. He can be just another corpse, face-down in the mud. This goes beyond sibling rivalry and well into the realm of hate. Someday in the future he's going to knock on my door. He'll be cold, hungry, penniless, and I will shut the door in his face.
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Now playing: Coconut Records - West Coast
via FoxyTunes

Adrift

This happened last time I got a steady warehouse job.

I spent 8 hours a day talking to exactly nobody except for muttered questions related to work or comments about the weather. At Gates I at least talked to the coworkers and felt welcome. Once again I'm in the first week at a job where I get almost no human contact and I'm just another face. This time, though, I've got no smoking spot to hang out at on breaks. There I shared a table with people at the smaller warehouse and had conversations. I knew more names than just the people supervising and training me. I could also break out the phone while janitoring without risk of getting fired. I had access to friends via text. Even now you wake up midway through my shift, or you will once summer starts. Once again I'm feeling kind of alone. If you read any of the blog posts from then (I started this when I was working, so go straight to the earliest archives if you're curious.) I was having the same problem. I wanted to be left alone. I figured I'd be happier when I wasn't spending four nights a week chilling with friends. I figured I'd be happier when I was getting more sleep. I was wrong. The last two nights have been buoyed by Little Kings left from Saturday. I've run out of those.

I want to be left alone, but even I need people. When I get used to people relying on me, I guess I start to fall apart when they're gone.
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Now playing: Minus Story - Stitch Me Up
via FoxyTunes

Holy god!

It's everywhere!