Numb

I don't know why, but for some reason I just go completely numb from time to time. All my senses go to shit and my thinking, well... it's like a computer without enough RAM. Normal processes are unaffected but I can't do complex problems and my short-term memory is demolished. The first thing I notice, though, is the effect on my vision. I'm completely incapable of focusing on anything and the blind spot that every human has seems to double or triple in size. All the other senses are similarly affected. I can't hear as well, my sense of smell is shot, and my skin is numb. I don't know if it has an effect on taste. When it clears up several hours later I'm left with a crippling headache in the left part of my frontal lobe.

I know it's something physiological, though. My eyes work fine but the signal isn't getting processed properly. This stuff ever happen to any of you?

Title of Post

Body of Post

I'm just gonna use this post for today and modify it as I have stuff to add. I'll see if I like this better than two or three posts every day.

Watch my away message videos tonight. They're good and if you zone and just feel the music you'll know what sort of mood I'm in. I can kinda describe it as something distantly hopeful, I guess. Maybe solemn contentment. I dunno, it's one of those ambivalent moods that mixes polar opposites. Anyway, the songs are "Over My Head" and "How To Save a Life" by The Fray and "Portions for Foxes" by Rilo Kiley.

In other news, my chest isn't quite the vast expanse of nothing it used to be. I kinda have pectoral muscles now. I'm happy about that, mostly because of how little it took to grow them. I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm not muscular by any stretch of the imagination, but my metabolism has shifted so that it can more efficiently synthesize proteins. It's something testosterone-based. It's plainly been building for days, though. The muscles that were sore when Kaitlin kept poking them are about twice what they were last week. My goal to look damn good when school starts might be attainable after all. This is all very shallow of me, I know, but everyone likes to look good.

I actually have a plan for the monster post I was gonna dump here. Rather than one post for most of a decade of band, I'm gonna give you six to ten big posts. One each year and a summary or something. I'll just toss in a new one when I have the time, starting after work tonight.

Work today: Jesus. It's a monsoon or its a drought. Yesterday was awful and today I had so few boxes to pick up I couldn't keep the goons happy. I got bored, which got me tired. Then I had a shit-ton of fried chicken for dinner and nearly died from the mix of bored-tired and itis. Juicy stuff. I also keep almost dying as I text and drive.

Kraut's image of the night:

Micro-Blog 4

Hey, you guys, look what I found.

Holy shit! The nostalgia is overwhelming.

Beechwood Band 2004

This is our show from back when. The show was "Things that go bump in the night." It was recorded at Boone County. Those steel drums you hear at the beginning of the closer are me, baby, me.

Wow. Good times, good memories. If I find any others you can bet I'll post them here. What I really want is two years before this when I was in eighth grade. We played "The Life and Times of Marc Antony." I think I can still play the ballad from that. Next time you, me, and a vibraphone share a room...

My shows with that band:
The Natural - aka the baseball year. We played songs from the eponymous film. That ballad is the only song to ever bring tears to my eyes.
The Life and Times of Marc Antony - aka the Roman year. I found the script in the band room once. I really wish I had kept it.
The Divine Comedy - aka the divine year. Music based on the famous epic poem. We were literally half the size the band is now and won MSBA for the first time that year. It was also my first year as pit section leader. I also had the most deliciously fast solo, where I played the xylo at tempos that would make you shit yourself and all at ff.
Things that Go Bump In the Night - Batman, The Night Before Christmas, and Beetlejuice. All music by Danny Elfman from Tim Burton films. I had the only steel drum part I've seen in a pit, ever.
Breakout - A mix of strange music by Karl Jenkins. Weird stuff. It was our first trip to KMEA semifinals in six years. Also my last year at Midway for band camp. I really miss that place. The middle of nowhere setting was really serene and provided a good backdrop for dedicated practice. Morehead doesn't have that setting and I found working there to be much harder.
A Study in Form, Sound, and Light - Richard Saucedo provided the score that year. It was my senior year and our first trip to Finals in ten years.

The music that had the greatest impact on me, though, was the first three years. I'll discuss marching band in much, much greater detail in a future blog post. It'll probably be the one of the longest I write but it'll also give you a chance to see one of the things that made me who I am today and provided a few of the best friends I have.

A brief update: After more than two years out of practice I can still play all the old warm-ups without thinking. I'm pretty rusty on that Roman year ballad but the notes to the xylo solo mentioned above are still ingrained in muscle memory. That solo, by the way, was solid sixteenth notes at well above 200 bpm. It's the coolest thing I've played. At that speed your brain has trouble processing notes independently and you get a weird sensation of bizarre chord structures overlaying the piece as all the bars ring at the same time.

Micro-Blog 3

Nothing really new to post, so I'm gonna blog about what happened at work today and whatever else seems important to me. Woo!

The first shift janitor is a Puerto Rican man named Gus. The guy is criminally incompetent, so rather than my usual one shift of work I did all my work and all his work. Sixteen hours of janitorial work shoved into eight hours of time really blows. The biggest issue, though, is that normally Gus supplies the small order goons with boxes. When he doesn't, they come to me. Not only did I have twice as much cardboard, but I also had fucking small order goons yelling at me all day. Gus needs a new job, methinks. If I hadn't shanghaied Anthony and Greg to help with cardboard while I did trash I'm certain I wouldn't have gotten my job done today. Fuck you, Gus!

In other news, a friend of mine seems to be going through a bit of a crisis, so I'm hoping that goes well. Kinda sucks not having to deal with that sort of shit sometimes, since I don't know what to tell people when they have to deal with it. That certain friend, by the way, should not worry about my concern. It's called empathy. It's what friends do. Hopefully the fact that people actually care will only have the effect of keeping her from hurting herself. Eh, eh? >_<

Also, I get really bored at work, so if you too are bored you should send texts so that I may converse. I do love to chat... Today's featured conversation: Crystal was hiding because her dad bought some live bunnies to slay, cook, and devour. I think the bastards are tasty. Crystal thinks things that are cute and fuzzy should be spared.

Also also, you should all go to the fireworks Sunday. We should meet somewhere. It will be wunderbar!

Micro-Blog 2

I may have been lying when I told Emily I couldn't grow a six-pack. :D

For some reason I am suddenly really into eighties New Wave and New Romantic music. I have no clue why, since I used to abhor this stuff. This happens to me all the time. Metal and ska did it, too. I hated them with a passion and now I love them both. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that most of the indie bands I like are going back to these eighties bands for inspiration. If you happen to have any New Wave or New Romantic stuff, I'm gonna need it from you.

You know what really sucks about my life right now?

Absolutely nothing.

Long post tonight, kids. It's got a few major parts, though. Included today is a summary of my job in case I need to mention it in the future, a few notes specific totoday, and my dual role as a nice guy and a major douchebag depending on the situation and group of people involved.

First off, the time-sensitive stuff: I usually put up some music videos as my nightly away message. The theme tonight is house. I normally dont' advertise this stuff, but these six videos are near guaranteed to put a smile on your face. If any, Haddaway and Bearforce 1 are the most likely to accomplish this.
Music I need: I'm looking for all the Ween, Against Me!, and Rise Against you can give me. Get on it, people!
I came home from work today already happy and found this:

I was amused to no end. Brandon knows me well. That's all for today. Next, my job description!

What does Cameron do for a living?
I work at Gates Rubber's Florence Distribution Center as a temp hired out through Manpower, Inc. The job was suggested by Brandon, and I'm really happy with it. My hours are 3:00-11:30 PM, Monday through Friday with occasional overtime. A list of terms you need to know:
Picker - A picker is someone who pulls automotive orders. A description of this job will follow.
Small Order Goon - Small order goons process orders of only a few items and drive small, maneuverable carts around the warehouse. They are constantly driving the wrong way down aisles at high speeds and never stop braying for a supply of boxes in which to package orders.
Stocker - Stockers drive more typical forklifts and keep the shelves full of products as well as using their forklifts to aid people around the warehouse whenever necessary.
Walkie - A walkie is a small lift truck used by pickers to move orders around the warehouse. It holds a pair of regular wooden skids on a rig designed to easily unload full pallets onto a wrapping machine.
Mover/Prime Mover - Prime movers are similar to walkies but configured to pull trailers rather than hold pallets.
Nutting Trucks - Nutting trucks are carts produced by a company called Nutting. They're essentially small flatbed trailers with handles that are used to carry things. Modifications include the garbage cart, which has walls and a small shelf for trash bags and the pig pen, which is a large blue trailer that empty boxes are put into.
Repack - a repack is a box that pickers move product into.
Job descriptions:
Picker - I started out as an automotive picker. This job essentially involved driving a walkie around the warehouse and taking products from the shelves and moving them to repacks on the pallet. All motions were directed by a handheld scanner, or gun, and each item or group of items was scanned as it was picked. Each pick, called a line, consisted of one or more of a certain item. Items in stock are a variety of belts, hoses, cogs, thermostats, automatic tensioners, pulleys, etc. Each night I had quotas to meet. The standard quota is 450 picks and 1280 pounds in eight hours. The pick speed is limited by your ability to drive and count and the speed at which the stockers refill empty product containers.
Janitor - I started out helping the previous janitor, Mike, from time to time. When Mike injured himself on a prime mover and failed the required drug test I took over as second shift janitor full time. My duties include taking full pigpens to the compactor, salvaging intact boxes for use in small orders, and emptying trash cans. I do all of this on a prime mover since almost all of it is conveyed on Nutting trucks of various kinds. Nobody ever makes a mess of the warehouse, so actual cleaning is so rare as to not be worth noting. Another janitor keeps the offices and restrooms clean, so I don't worry about the restrooms or any room with AC. I also occasionally take care of the trash outside. 90% of that is cigarette butts, but I don't really mind. It's pretty simple stuff.
My wages for both of the above jobs is the same, $9.62/hour with time and a half for anything over 40 hours. On breaks I sit outside with the smokers and read or eat because I like the fresh air despite the small amount of secondhand smoke. It follows that I spend more time talking to these people. They are Aaron, Marco, Anthony, Cassie, Connie, Lisa, and occasionally the two Jerrys. Facilitators (read: shift managers) are Brenda Wright and Rodney Miller. Tony, Cassie, Rob, Jessica, Retta, and Jeff are more experienced and can be relied on for any questions I may have. Tanyana is a picker that doesn't fit into any of the above groups. Ron Chitwood runs the wrapper. I was trained by Jessie. The only disadvantage is that on hot days the warehouse becomes unbearable, with temperatures in aisles approaching 110. I don't have to worry as much as janitor, though it's not uncommon for the cardboard crusher to reach 115. I do enough driving to keep myself cool, though, so it works out fine.
The current major detail at work is the CoLinx project. A company, CoLinx, is shipping a tremendous amount of stuff in and we are shipping an equally tremendous amount of stuff out to make room for it all. This is in addition to work as usual. To make it possible, ten new hires from ManPower have joined us this week. That's a huge number of people to have to train. Next week CoLinx will send its own people to be trained here for the coming project. It's gonna be brutal both because that many pickers will produce a huge quantity of boxes for me to move and also because the turnover rate here is so high that I only expect half of them to still be here Friday.

The Two Camerons:
I have a known reputation as a hard, cruel man with a quick wit, an urge to belittle, and a big chain. I also have a reputation as a man who tries to be good to his friends and will do everything possible to help them out if they need it. Even if Kaitlin doesn't like it, I live for my friends. (I'm not sure she gets that I don't blame them for having issues. Maybe she does. I dunno. All I see is a bullshit statement that she's a burden on us all. [shrug]) Where does this leave me? It leaves me as the nice guy if you're a friend and the enemy otherwise. I'm the guy that girls will come to with problems and men with questions. The guy who helps all the girls out but never gets a date. I don't mind. I'm cool alone and I don't have to deal with all the issues involved in not being single. Why post this? I'd like to see your opinion of either my dual nature or what I am to you. I have a comment board on every post and I like to make this blog interactive. You read it, so I invite you to think and comment.

That's it for the super long post. I've gotten questions about my job and wanted to clear them up in one fell swoop.

Thought for the day: Never go from the shower to the kitchen without any steps between. I dripped hot pasta sauce on my balls while I was writing this. It was not a good experience. TMI? This whole blog is TMI! You'll live.

Peace out, bitches!

Readers! I have a question!

I know some of you who read it because you've told me or left comments or something, and I'm curious. We all have our own reasons for reading the blogs of our friends. I'd like to know yours. Go ahead. Leave a comment on this post. Why do you do it? What makes you care? It's a hard question, but if I answer first maybe you won't be so quiet.

I figure I better start off with why I do it, eh? I blog because I have a reputation to stick to. I like to think of myself as a bit of a badass I like violence and women and driving fast. I'm emotionally stable and never tell anyone how I feel. I'm also permanently single and don't like to tell this stuff to my friends. While I don't care about being single, I do need to vent from time to time and if I can just be emotionally open somewhere I can get a lot off my mind and not worry about the consequences. I'm reserved everywhere else, but this is my blog and I'll tell it what I fucking want to! I can write like no one is listening and yet know that if I posted plans to do something obscenely stupid I'd know one of you would be there to stop me. With the blog I can ask for help and expose myself without damaging my real-world reputation.

Why do I read? I do it for two primary reasons. I'm bored as shit. Every blog I read is a bit like listening to a friend talk, and that's something I enjoy doing. I've been told I'm good at listening to people's problems and if anything people use blogs for their problems. I read them and can almost be in a one-sided conversation. It kills boredom well enough. I also care about some people. I know some of them don't expect or want anything. They just want to vent, but if I see someone venting about issues and I can't do anything about it I can at least read and hope for a happy post. The third, minor reason depends on the blog. I read Emily Wernet's primarily for entertainment and, yes, in the hope that I've been quoted again. Sometimes a blog is just a list of funny quotes.

So as I sit here, listening to Lionel Richie and sipping vodka because I like the taste, I ask you: What's your excuse?

Another Week of Me

But this one has an explosive conclusion!

Going to the fireworks Sunday with Alicia, Meagan, Nikki, and Mike. I think. Wearing the most eighties thing on the face of the planet. It will be awesome. I already know Emily Gilliam is going. Any of you other cats gonna show up?

Also, I think I'm gonna play 40K for the first time in a long time this weekend too. I am so stoked. I'm sure you don't care about my geekish hobbies, but it's my blog and I'm gonna say whatever the fuck I want. Little plastic men wreaking havoc on the imaginary battlefields of the far future is my kind of adventure. Yeah!

Also, it turns out the best way to force me into a focused mood is, as usual, with the right tunes. What works for this? The Cavaliers, apparently.

Peace out, bitches.

Micro-Blog 1

Sometimes I'll just have a sentence or so that I feel like I need to get out there. This is primarily because I have readers and know who some of them are. The reader in any given post will know that I'm talking about her. I say "her" because all but one of my known readers are girls.

Sometimes I wish my friends weren't so emo.

Don't take this the wrong way. I mean emo in the stereotypical sense - angsty, depressed, threatening to take themselves away from me and all their friends, etc.

But they can't all be stable...

And besides, it sometimes seems like I live to help them out. If they didn't spaz from time to time all that energy would be wasted.

I'm not gonna pretend like I don't do it. Don't get me wrong. I'm never gonna even consider getting out, though. We've got too much to live for.

Braindead All Day

You ever have one of those days where thoughts come painfully slowly and any ideas you have are brutally simplistic? I haven't been able to think clearly all day. It's that mix of fatigue and emotional numbness that occurs when you're tired and you don't care. No plans. Nothing to do. Few conversations. The highlight of my day was watching a DVRed Iron Chef America. Egad


Also, I feel like making an extreme power metal band called "Thrash Can." You should join up.

Why did Ed and Scott quit?

Friend issue of the previous blog post resolved?

I guess so.

SR is stuck so deeply in my head it will never leave. I don't know why. It's the weird emo version, too. If you've heard live SR you know what I'm talking about. Funny stuff.

Short post, I know, but I really wanted to use that as a post title and I had good news.

Fuck you! :D

Works for me.

So Brandon IMed me today in a mood to kill. I set in motion a plan to play some 40K tonight and before I knew it people were here. Lots of people. Emily, her friend (whose name I still don't know), Nikki, Brandon, Joseph, Joey, Alicia, and after some convincing, Kaitlin. All was good. It eventually devolved into random tickle wars and Kaitlin and I full on punching each other at random. I have this neat bruise near my liver. With any luck she's got a matching one on her left arm. >:)

But for once I was poking people and tickling and punching and I didn't give a flying fuck. I wasn't so reserved and had no qualms about touching my friends. I have loosened up and I'm strangely really happy about it. I've been meaning to do shit like that for a while. I know, tickling and punching are nothing special to anyone else. I don't touch people ever. The fact that I was able to overcome my neurosis is a big win for me. Kaitlin seems to have beaten herself up over the same shit. I don't know why.

One of my friends is in distress and I can't really bring myself to be happy. That's just how I roll, I guess. I just have to hang out and hope nothing bad happens sometimes.

Also, it took me years to get used to Gabe's random sexual assault. I think I'm finally used to Joey being the creepiest motherfucker I know. Great kid. Wouldn't be surprised if he killed and ate a girl.

Wouldn't it be wonderful?

I find myself often wishing that for 24 hours or so, every power grid on the planet would fail. The economic and political damage of such a situation would be intense, but I'd still be happy about it. I'd be completely isolated from most of my friends, but I'd have a plan. Ride my bike to FM Park (or go to Sigma Sigma if I was at UC) and for the first time in my life really see the stars...

Hey, you guys. If something like this ever happens and you're near FM or Cincinnati, meet me there. We'll have ourselves a party in the dark.

Alone Again

So everyone's going off to college again. Enough of my friends start today. The high schoolers started Friday. Everyone else has two weeks max. What's that mean for me? The people I talk to will be in school before work and in bed after work. I had everyone to talk to when summer required no sleep, but fall does and I get this feeling I'm gonna spend the next month alone. Fuck. Anyone reading this who will be in the area for the next month needs to tell me about stuff that's happening on the weekends so I don't lose my damn mind.

Wait, Cameron has friends!?

And they have blags!?

NO WAI!

DAS BLOG! by Brandon Stephens
Greater than a Smiley Face by Emily Wernet
This is my world... get it? by Emily Gilliam
Let the bubbling stream flow! by Kaitlin Shupert
We All Want To See What Hurts... by Amber Cummings

If you have a blag and you'd like to be linked, tell me about it. I'm gonna end up with a gnarly list of webcomics sometime, too. There will be much gnarl.

Sharpies, Sign-In Cards, and a "Boy" Named Rex

Attack of the Stream of Consciousness!

I was at the Thunderdome attending the Party of Pure Awesomeness. Details that may interest you:

-The pong table was incredible.
-I had a Killian's and a shot of Smirnoff on a full stomach. That leaves my BAC through this at very nearly zero.
-I wrote some notes after I pissed Emily off. They're going in this post.
-The Rex I'm referring to is Rex Mann, a short white boy who, and I quote, has "a big black woman in him trying to claw her way out." He didn't sound gay; he sounded like a woman. Scary shit.

I'd been looking forward to going and getting hammered for two weeks. Friday I suddenly had no desire to drink. I took it as a good sign. Through the party I got increasingly happier with my decision to sell my fifth. I'd have cleaned it out if it belonged to me.
So I ended up saying some stupid shit that caused Emily to overreact and I once again hated the species, but you know what?

I CAN SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT AND I WILL ALWAYS GET AWAY WITH IT

And yet I never let myself get away with anything...
But hey, the dog was cute.

Amusingly enough, I could have stayed home and had a good night. I'd have gone to Metropolis with Crystal and Angela. I'd still have gas in my car. I'd have a fifth of good vodka in my room. Andrew would not owe me money.
-A note on Andrew: He pointed out that maybe the plane ticket was a waste. He could have stayed in CT and dealt with the drunks and not paid for it. I dunno... Can't say I blame him.

I also came to the conclusion that it's damn good drugs are so expensive. I'd shoot heroine if it was free, but my love of money keeps me on the straight and narrow most of the time. I'm really happy about being so greedy sometimes.

Some people should pay up.
Glenn - $24, concert ticket.
Andrew - $15, vodka and gas.
Alicia - $9, various.
I want my damn money. I want it soon.

END TRANSMISSION

Two will enter. None shall leave!

Tonight's the party at the Thunderdome. I've got the sweet tea ready, the car airing out (It kinda smells funny after it rained through the sunroof and I don't have anything against people smoking in the car so long as I can let it sit outside with the windows down.), and a fifth of wonderful, wonderful Smirnoff No. 21 in my trunk. I spent yesterday bragging about the amount of drinking I was gonna do, but you know what? I don't feel the need to get more than a little buzzed if I drink at all. I want to be lucid for this one. Whatever psychological issues had my subconscious so thirsty seem to have fixed themselves. I'm stoked.

Do what now?

A few random thoughts:

I've always hated nicknames, but I think sometime I'm gonna introduce myself to someone as "Dex" and see what happens.

I used to be really disgusted by cigarette smoke, but I don't know what happened. Maybe it's the cigars. Maybe it's hanging out with more people who smoke. Who knows? Anyway, I just stopped caring sometime this summer. If you really pay attention, you can pick out some almost sweet overtones. It's the variation in these overtones that give me the ability to distinguish brands by smell. I'm neutral to cigars. Depends on which brand and whether it's flavored, I guess. Black and Milds actually smell good. Pipe smoke almost always has a pleasant smell, but that's intentional. Manufacturers put a lot of effort into making sure pipe smoke has a pleasant "room note," which is how the pipe smoker smells to other people in the room. Reefer just smells like shit.

I had something else to add, but I don't remember what. I wrote it down last night - "night" was sunrise - and the whole of the note was "blog dex smoke." [shrug] Whatever. If I remember I have this edit button thing.

Geezerball

I always say that I hate that damn dog. I really don't. I hate the fact that she's old. Barks too much and shits in the basement twice a day, but that still doesn't bother me. What I don't like is that I can't trust her to not shit on the couch. I used to use the dog as a living teddy bear. Now she sleeps near me and makes some odd noises that keep me from feeling alone.
[shrug]
There's something insanely comforting about some critter - dog, human, whatever - getting as close to you as possible and falling asleep.

Cheer Up, Emo Kid!

I figure I should post some happy blogs from time to time. Otherwise I sound all depressed and angst-filled all the damn time, and I'm not like that. I'm a pretty happy guy most of the time.

Anyway, I've been telling everyone this but I like to overstate the good news. I've been lifting a bunch of stuff at work lately and my mom got this weight machine in the basement. I sleep down here so I have a lot of time at night with just IM conversations to keep me entertained. That means I've been using the weight machine. Damn, kids. My arms are teh sex. I'm not saying I'm built but I can't look at my biceps without grinning. Looking good is a real morale booster and if my friends haven't told you yet, I'm apparently not that attractive.

On a related note: Any of you who read this could tell me why that is whenever you'd like. I won't get offended. I just want to know what's not attractive here. Be cruel about it if you want to. I don't give a fuck.

:)

Boredom Is a Killer

I had the Crave and went for some slyders.
I've got them now. They taste like shit. They always do. I can't stop eating them.
And even before I got in the car I wanted to pour five shots of vodka into my sweet tea. Just enough to make me smile. Just enough to take the edge off. I just wish I sometimes knew what the fuck I was taking the edge off of. I sometimes wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.

What the fuck is wrong with all of us? We're all bastards sometimes.

First Embarrassing Story

Keep in mind when you read this that I completely identify as straight. Don't get any ideas from this.

I was in Memphis once. That's where I found out what gay really is and walked away dead certain that I'd never be homophobic again. The guy's name was Chase and he walked in on me and his girlfriend. We weren't fucking, kids. We were talking. The fucking came later.

Anyway, long story short Chase was gay once but his family forced him through one of those Christian reform camps. He ended up coming out bi somehow and though he preferred the company of girls never quite got over his preference for giving head. In the end he gave a better BJ than Lisa did...

And I didn't consent to it happening, by the way. I was half asleep and realized I was getting some incredibly good head without expecting it. I woke up but didn't do anything to stop it. Eventually I looked down and saw that it wasn't Lisa's head in my lap. Whatever. Best BJ I've ever had. Doesn't matter what gender. Chase and I decided that in the end I wasn't sexually attracted to him and would rather screw his girl but that his ability was undeniably amazing and that's how I could let that happen and yet truthfully deny any accusations that may come from telling this. Fun story, eh?

Kill! Kill!

You guys should read this. This is an example of what you should not do with me. You do not fuck with me in this manner. If you try to tell me what I'm thinking, what I fucking feel. If you try to tell me about fucking being me, I will put you at the heart of a fucking face-punching contest. I will gut you and fuck the offal. I don't know who reads this, but if you learn anything about me it's not to do shit like this. I'm too lazy to fix all of his text, so just highlight the whole excerpt before you read.

(02:02:31) Brandon Stephens: i'm always going for more than a little friction... a relationship is a lOT better than casual sex...
(02:04:35) Cameron Hodge: Huh
(02:04:44) Cameron Hodge: Yeah, whatever you like to think.
(02:05:10) Cameron Hodge: Cameron is a sex machine with the soul of a seal-clubber.
(02:05:22) Brandon Stephens: okay... you'll find out one of these days...
(02:05:59) Cameron Hodge: If I haven't found out by now I never will.
(02:07:04) Brandon Stephens: yes you will
(02:07:14) Cameron Hodge: What the fuck are you talking about?
(02:07:23) Cameron Hodge: Do you even know what the fuck you're talking about?
(02:07:32) Brandon Stephens: yup
(02:07:41) Brandon Stephens: pretty much...
(02:07:48) Cameron Hodge: Do not tell me what my preferences are.
(02:07:57) Cameron Hodge: You may like a relationship.
(02:08:03) Cameron Hodge: Me? I like to fuck and forget.
(02:08:12) Cameron Hodge: If I want to talk I'll go to my friends.
(02:08:22) Cameron Hodge: If I want dinner or a movie or whatever, I'll go to my friends.
(02:09:18) Cameron Hodge: So while I agree that relationships consolidate that and have the advantage of regular and consistent sex, I don't see any other real advantages.
(02:09:21) Cameron Hodge: They're convenient.
(02:09:30) Cameron Hodge: That's about it.
(02:10:23) Brandon Stephens: says you...
(02:10:35) Cameron Hodge: Yes. Says me.
(02:11:14) Cameron Hodge: I like to fuck and fight and go out with my friends, and even if I do end up with a girl it'll be open.
(02:12:00) Cameron Hodge: Okay, Mr. Smart Guy, what's the advantage a relationship has over one-night-stands?
(02:13:03) Cameron Hodge: Because I'm really curious. I don't understand why when you can't get a girl you aren't happy beating off and getting on with your life.
(02:13:12) Brandon Stephens: being in love for one, especially if you can get to that point with a person...
(02:13:33) Cameron Hodge: Yeah, I figured you'd pull that one out of your ass.
(02:13:48) Cameron Hodge: That's an emotion I'm not capable of in any normal sense, buddy.
(02:14:20) Brandon Stephens: you say that now... but there never has been a person in human history like that.. you'll see one day...
(02:14:27) Cameron Hodge: What the fuck?
(02:14:33) Cameron Hodge: How about asexuals?
(02:14:41) Cameron Hodge: You know they come in three classes?
(02:15:04) Cameron Hodge: The kind with no need for physical love, the kind with no need for emotional love, and the kind with no need for either.
(02:15:16) Cameron Hodge: I'm not saying that's what I am but I don't get attachments.
(02:15:29) Brandon Stephens: love doesnt require attachment
(02:16:14) Cameron Hodge: I'm a man of logic. Love is shit.
(02:16:27) Cameron Hodge: I prefer more direct forms of manipulation.
(02:16:45) Brandon Stephens: says you...
(02:16:53) Cameron Hodge: Says me.
(02:17:04) Cameron Hodge: Abso-fucking-lutely right says me.
(02:17:20) Cameron Hodge: I'm not saying love isn't one of your choice emotions. It clearly is.
(02:17:23) Cameron Hodge: It's not something I do.
(02:17:30) Brandon Stephens: i've also seen you start to break down while drinking... remember that. you're not as hard-edged as you claim to be....
(02:17:37) Cameron Hodge: I know.
(02:17:39) Brandon Stephens: and i dont think you really beleive everything youre saying
(02:17:42) Brandon Stephens: but for now i'm off to bed
(02:17:48) Cameron Hodge: There are several forms of love, you know.
(02:17:48) Brandon Stephens: i have moving to do tomorrow early.
(02:17:55) Brandon Stephens: we can continue this later
(02:17:56) Cameron Hodge: And we're talking about a specific form here.
(02:18:06) Cameron Hodge: Don't walk off here. Not during an argument.
(02:18:11) Cameron Hodge: You always do it.
(02:18:16) Brandon Stephens: good night cameron. we will talk about this tomorrow.
(02:18:46) Cameron Hodge: Yeah, and you're not gonna back out of it.
(02:18:59) Brandon Stephens: okay. whenever i get back from amber's
(02:19:00) Brandon Stephens: tata

What can I say? I'm proud of it.

I've got some neat gifts, I guess. I have an enviable metabolism, parents that let me get away with anything, a nice car, quick wit... I even ended up with some seriously awesome friends.

The best part of my life is the control I have over my emotions. I can use music or willpower to force myself into whatever mood I desire and I can't even imagine how much better that has made my life. Right now I'm listening to Finntroll. I'm having a great time doing it. Just hearing something as silly and awesome as "troll metal" is chasing away any bad thoughts. Bad vibes from beer pong bloopers and work-related injury. Unhappiness about even more of my friends moving away and the fact that I may not have time to visit them. I listen to music like this and I don't care.
I could be unhappy if I wanted to. I could break out songs that crush me every time. I can find stuff that makes me angry or nostalgic or whatever.

Even without music, though, I can keep myself happy or angry. I don't know how or why but willpower works on my emotions. I suspect it's got something to do with me being gullible constantly lying to myself. Maybe I'm just numb from watching James die. Who gives a fuck. I'm happy about it. Just thought I'd let that out.

Also, for the first time in my life I'm willing to admit that I'm tired of being single.

Recipe for a Bad Night

It's well-known that bad dreams are soluble in alcohol.
Take a vat of ethanol and add your deepest regrets
Watch the emotionally-charged particles.
See the toxic salts
and the reaction's consequences.
It makes enough noise.
Turns normal to awkward
and brains to shit.

And sometimes it'll even convince your friends you're fucked up
(like they didn't know already).

I felt like comparing booze-soaked nights to a simple ion reaction. I was bored. Mostly, though, I wanted something you could comment on. I'd like to know who's reading, though I wouldn't be surprised if verse this lousy scares you all off.

To Everyone I Won't Say This To:

I'm actually gonna use this thing! I figure it's easier than venting to a real person since I don't have to immediately fear what they have to think about it. I spend all this time on IM and I always feel like shit for ever talking about myself. Well, I'm gonna do that now. I'll only talk about myself. I'll say things on the blog and hope nobody reads them, while secretly wishing you do. I'll start out with simple stuff, I think. Stories and whatnot or announcements of how I really feel about shit. I don't know that I'll use this motherfucker often and I'll probably only use it when I'm unhappy about something, but this thing will be a wonderful look into the world that is Cameron. I ask that you don't mention this blog on Facebook or anywhere. If you want to discuss something you've seen here use IM. I'm not gonna ask more than once, and I'll only explain myself via IM. That is all.

Thought for the day: The best thing I've learned all summer is that I have nothing to fear. I'm always afraid I'll get drunk and say something I didn't want people to hear. Fortunately I've been lying to myself for so long that even alcohol can't bring the truth out anymore.