Because this whole Meagan-Nikki situation has me slamming my head into a wall. It's the most generic expression of frustration I know. I can't explain the feeling of utter futility, you know? Today or yesterday or something Nikki was being friendly about it. Today Meagan and I had a long conversation about stuff. I thought things were really going well. I thought they were mending. I fucking thought, and I had hope. And I read two blog posts and felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. This is going the wrong direction. I had a good night. I had a nice talk and some goetta. I felt the ride home with Nikki was a little awkward but I did not see that coming.
Motherfucker. God-fucking-dammit. I am slamming my head into the nearest wall and wondering why I and everyone I know has to mistreat everyone else. If anyone has a bullet for this metaphorical gun I'm holding, I think I need to fire it into my foot.
Amber's last 5 gummy bears are keeping me from burying my face in my hands and wondering what the fuck went wrong and why it happened right when things were turning. Right when I thought something good could happen. I got a text in the car. Meagan said, "Read Nikki's blog when you get home." I guess I kinda knew then that the shit had hit the fan.
[whack! whack! whack!...]
In my mind I'm at Lookout Point enjoying the skyline. In my mind I'm calm and happy and peaceful and nothing is going to shit around me. Then I stop dreaming and I'm ass-deep in rubble.
This is not my feud. This is not my problem. And yet they spoke to me. They came to me and I got involved. I tried to help and felt like I might have been helping. It's not my problem, and yet I'm caught in the crossfire. I'm trying to mediate from no man's land while they empty machine guns at each other. I can feel every angry thought that comes my way. I can't take both sides at once and I can't reconcile them. I'm just gonna be nice to each of them and change the subject when one mentions the other.
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