FYI

So Meagan wrote the angry post I expected. Figured my reply was relevant to all of you. You kinda deserve to know.

"Meagan, it's always been an act. I've been doing the good guy thing for probably a year only because Emily convinced me it was the right thing to do. Last night you met me. That was all me. No act, no bullshit. That's how I really am. I am not a nice guy. I am not a good person. If I'm going to apologize for anything it's for deceiving you and everyone else for so long. Of our little horde only Brandon has been around long enough to really know who I am. I can only put up an act for so long before I have to be myself again. Now you know. I'm blunt and brutal but the last thing I'll ever be is honest."

Now that I think about it, it's been probably two years. Sometime early 2006. I've been pretending for far too long.

And you know what? I'm not going to apologize. I'm not sorry for what I did and an apology would just be another damn lie. It might kill the friendship. It might ruin everything. I might lose all the people I hang out with the most. But it isn't likely and I'd get used to it if it happened. On principle I'd rather it all fall apart than mend anything based on a false apology. Friendships based on lies are transitory and always come to a messy end years before you want them to. If this is going to work out, it'll have to be real. For once, it needs to be real.

And that's the story. I don't even trust myself. Please, don't make the mistake of trusting me. It won't get you anywhere. I think that's why I've got to periodically push people away. Can't have anyone getting close. It's not good for them.
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