This is an unusually personal blog post, so just bear with me tonight.
"I can't talk to you because of being on opposite schedules, unless I happen to catch you in the middle of my night.
You keep doing less and less here. You used to be very helpful. If you get up and the dishes in the dishwasher are clean, you are expected to put them away. If you empty the tea pitcher, wash it or make more.
We have to figure out the school thing for insurance purposes, but basically avoiding us while we continue to support you is not working. Ethan is right. I realize he doesn't do much, but he is basically working a full time job now with band and Dad and I are too. You don't have to everything, but you do have to help. I don't think I should have to make you a chore list or call you to ask to do the common sense things.
I'll be at school most of the day tomorrow so I don't know if I'll see you or not. Not quite sure how we both live here but I never see you.
Love, Mom"
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"I'll figure out the school thing, but I'm not entirely sure when. I already told dad I'd pick up my car insurance when ours expired next month. I intended to anyway since I'll be adding a vehicle to it in October. When my health insurance stops being free, I can get it from work. To be honest, I almost certainly won't have school figured out in a month. Seems like going into aircraft mechanics is about to be a bad idea anyway, but I can't live on $9 an hour so I'll have to figure something out. I've heard of some stuff from a few friends that pays enough, allows for the stupid hours I like, and involves getting my hands dirty, so I'll have to do some looking. 2008 might be the "drop out of college, figure out what I'm doing with my life" year.
I'll help out with stuff around here if it's obvious, but it'll mostly be dishes unless I get a day off. The hours that I'm awake are spent in my room or in the kitchen unless I have something DVRed so I don't notice the stuff that needs doing in other rooms.
-Cameron"
I'm feeling more lost every day. I joke around about it a lot, but leaving school was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I took my hopes and my future, the salary that would give me a house and not an apartment, the job that would use my mind and body in equal measure. I nurtured them for two years and watched them grow, fighting off the doubts that I wasn't good enough and couldn't make it. I watched them shrivel and die in the icy wind of February. I am currently a shift worker, wasting my fucking time in a warehouse for $9 an hour. My schedule puts me at odds with my family and my friends and if I tried to move out now, I'd go hungry and beg my parents for my room back before the year was out. In the last few weeks, I've watched friendships suffer. I haven't had real conversations with Nikki or Brandon or Kaitlin or Alicia in Gods know how long. These are the people who keep me sane. [Sorry, kid. I love you to death but you do more harm to my sanity than good. I'll never look down on you for doing it.] The friend I've been relying on starts her third-shift job soon. I'm glad she got it, I really am. Her financial issues are way over my head and she, more than anyone else I know, will put the cash to good use. I'm gonna miss her conversations, though, and I'm gonna grow distant from her like I have from all of you.
I'm stagnating. My dreams are dead, and I'll finally admit that it's getting to me.
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Now playing on iTunes: Streetlight Manifesto - A Better Place, A Better Time
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4 comments:
If you'd ever need a place to stay we'd make room for you.
Every now and then we toss around the idea of getting a bigger place, like maybe rent a house until we decide where we want to settle. Usually the plan involves getting one of her friends to move in with us and share the bills. Something to the effect of us covering 2/3s of them. Since you drive, this might be a feasible idea for you to consider.
I enjoy your company and if all went according to plan we'd have separate parts of the building to hide in when alone time is needed.
The not seeing/talking to people part is rough. Maybe my wanting to constantly do something, anything sounds more reasonable? I can come off as almost begging for stuff to do at times. It gets sooo boring! Hell, with our different schedules, I spend maybe 8-12 waking hours with my wife on any given week.
So, pretty much I'm just letting you know there's someone here that knows a bit about what you're experiencing.
Frankly I was waiting to see how long it took you to reach this point. Took a little longer than expected. At least for you to go public with it.
The offer is wonderful, but getting out of the house is vastly less important to me than doing it sustainably and under my own power. Should I find my way into a job that can support me and that I can keep for a few years and be happy, I'll definitely take something of the sort in mind.
I miss talking to you too. I'm lonely and stressed. I have no one to talk to most of the time, and you were the one I always check the away message, because maybe, just maybe, you might be off early. I guess I've only learned how to hide in my room this summer. I feel I've lost so many people, and I was so afraid I might lose you again too. I was afraid us fighting all the time again when I finally get back.
Feel free to text me when you get home, I wouldn't mind half hour conversations or an hour before going back to bed. I haven't been sleeping much anyways. Just can't seem to any more. Last night I slept really well was the last weekend I was down there I think.
Now look at us. :) I didn't grow distant at all. In fact, I ended up latching onto you and keeping you all for myself.
I also kept calling you at two in the morning because you told me I could. ;3
You're an amazing person, Cameron, and I fucking love you.
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