Nothing is wrong and that scares the shit out of me.
My friendships have settled down. I've gone without the slightest crush since January. I have a job that pays just well enough to support me. Nothing at all is wrong. Life is great right now. I can't tell you how unhappy that makes me, but I can explain why it freaks me out.
I am not internally motivated. If I'm going to change I have to be forced. I didn't drop out of college, I was removed because I stagnated and failed out. I didn't get rid of my Nissan; my parents made me replace it. I thrive in disaster because it motivates me. It forces my hand. Right now, with nothing going wrong, nothing will force me to do anything and I'm worried I could stay like this forever. You know I have no desire at all to go back to college? All I have is a desire to have that desire. I don't feel like I have much of a purpose and I don't know what to do about it. I'm so used to cleaning up messes that I don't know how to live when life settles down and I'm not sure how I can learn or if I can ever really be happy with happiness. The only thing that can lay me low is good times, I guess. Maybe that's the side effect of living so close to nervous breakdown for so long. Maybe you find that without regular misery you can't experience real joy.
Welcome to life in low-contrast.
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10 comments:
You could always join the military if life is getting that stale.
I have no desire to die by roadside bomb, thanks.
cameron is forbidden to join the military, all my friends are haha, if any of them dare i'll just kill you myself. annnnd camcam very soon expect a call, i feel a random adventure coming on. :] i am working on the details we all need to see each other asap
Meagan, if you do actually consider Joey a friend you must try to change his mind in joining the military later in his life. Also, Cameron I know what you mean. Although, I am not used to such craziness, I deal with the basketcase I call "myself," and now that I'm just content with failing, and everything is easy. I have no idea what to do with myself. It's hard to complain when you have nothing about which to complain.
Oh, I've got nothing against other people joining the Armed Forces. It's a decision anyone is free to make and I've considered it often enough myself. I have no fear of death, really. I fear the commitment. Joining up means losing all of you, what little TV I watch, most of my internet access, a lot of my dignity and individuality... It's a lifestyle I couldn't live.
if you're working on the details of it then it's not so random. though i suppose random things tend to happen after the fact.
anymore a roadside bomb could kill you here in the states.
you could just become a DM. it eats up a good amount of time.
i will cross my fingers that by the time joey can join the war shit is done
i doubt that'll happen i guess i can just kick him in the shin and cry
:/
military is not something i think any of my wonderful original friends need
Here here, Meagan.
Yeah. the military is MY backup plan. No stealing.
Dude, he goes to military school.
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