I needs you, baby!

I always found that conversations go best when you say the most awkward bit first.
So, uh... 200 posts. Yeah!

Anyway, it's Friday. I need your help to ensure that I don't go to bed bored and at a reasonable hour. My only remaining exam is 1:30 next Friday, so fuck school. No excuses! What are we doing tonight, people?

UPDATE: I found Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters and The Hunt for the Red October at the library. We'll be watching one or the other whenever people show up.

Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery.
- Malcolm X

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Now playing: The Shins - So Says I
via FoxyTunes

Image

Warning: This post is shallow and out of character.

I think I've found my way into a bit of an image crisis. It started off with the realization that my hair has been the same for 16 years, but I've noticed that everything else is also old. The current look - hoodie and cargos with running shoes - is a style I settled into in ninth grade. It was customized to look a little more rugged when I got a beat-up car and some rusty chains. The Sentra was meant to be driven by a weird kid with a dull knife and a denim jacket. Other than that I've had no change. I think I want to adapt to my car again, though. It's shiny, black, and German. The black leather interior already influenced me some. The current shoes are black leather and I've kept my eyes open. I dunno. I think I'm gonna hunt down some slimmer cargo pants. I don't know if they fit with the style but I'm practical before fashionable and I like the pockets. I haven't worn non-cargoes since I worked at Remke except for a couple job interviews. I dunno. So far as adapting to the car goes, I think it'd work with a darker 1950's poet influence. Black suit jacket, dark sweater, slim cargo pants in gray or something. I'll try something out at the next shindig, I suppose. The other idea is the one I've been going for but not willing to pay for since this time two years ago. Think Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca: nice pants, button-down shirt, ankle-length trench coat, nice fedora. Maybe I'll mix the two. The Humphrey Bogart look is prohibitively expensive because of the trench coat, but whatever. Somebody's got to have one at a decent price. I'll figure something out, I'm sure. Damn identity crises. I blame the alt-kids I spend all my time with and the subconscious urge to adapt. :)

Side note: Check out this band.
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Now playing: New Atlantic - Wire & Stone
via FoxyTunes

WTFisms

Has everyone seen the new friend update thing on MySpace? How about the bands on Facebook? They get more alike every day.

I need a volunteer to poke a hole in my head so I can put another ring in. I've got the shit; all I need is somebody with better aim than me to install it.

I finished Asimov's "Foundation" yesterday. It was excellent. I therefore picked up the sequel from the library today. It's so far just as good.

Music: I loves me some eighties ska covers. This one is really good. Also, XM is playing a lot of My Morning Jacket recently. w00t!

The main story: I wasn't paying attention to the time and went into the room for organic chemistry an hour early today. When the wrong professor and classmates trickled in I stayed out of boredom and curiosity. Turns out it was an upper-level psychology or sociology course populated with juniors and seniors. It's strange, really - my easiest classes are harder than this and I actually find this stuff interesting. I found myself paying more attention in class than I have in months. Then again, I've always liked sociology as a hobby so it's no surprise that I'd be interested in something so mundane as definitions and examples of social deviance. That was the topic of today's lecture. Sadly enough, I spent the entirety of chemistry, a class vital to my major, reading "Foundation and Empire" or struggling to stay awake. Quote of the lecture: "Learning to be a criminal involves the same processes as learning to be a girl scout." - Dr. Lundgren
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Now playing: Less Than Jake - Surrender
via FoxyTunes

Micro-Blog 33

I tried to modify Pidgin to display the artist and song I'm listening to in the available message. iChat does it automatically and since Pidgin is open-source I assumed it'd be easy enough to emulate. It went rather disturbingly like this. My final judgement is that trying to modify Pidgin to show your current song in the available message is a disastrously bad idea.

This comes after cleaning up a potato that had rotted to liquid on my bookshelf. The room still smells weird. It all goes to show that fixing something that isn't broken leads to putrid vegetables and 2 hours worth of media center repair. Jesus shit...
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Now playing: Jack's Mannequin - The Mixed Tape
via FoxyTunes

Going Anyway!

I'm saving gas by not going to Clifton tomorrow for school and generally driving as little as possible. It's the last Acoustic Brew of the quarter. I can spare the gas to stop at NKU on the way. If any of you guys want to join me, just let me know. With any luck it won't end as badly as the last two have.

Update: Never mind. No Acoustic Brew this week.
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Now playing: Colbie Caillat - Oxygen
via FoxyTunes

Inspired by Kraut

Figured I'd post my own shiny addiction-list. Some are the same as his, but I've got a few others.

The Adventures of Dr. McNinja - Dr. McNinja has to balance his ninja killing instincts with his doctor healing instincts.
Turn Signals on a Land Raider - The (mis)adventures of this tank crew are 40K legend.
Questionable Content is a slice-of-life comic dealing with indie hipsters and their coffee shop. You already know this, though.
Toothpaste for Dinner is a comic by Drew. It gets pretty hairy at times. His wife has her own comic, Natalie Dee. The two collaborate on Married to the Sea.
Comet 7 - I can think of no good way to explain this. The lead characters include a tentacle, a water cooler, and some talking Chinese takeout.
xkcd - Warning: this comic occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors).
Looking for Group is Brian Sohmer's WoW-based comic. Richard alone makes the comic worth reading.
Lucid TV is a seriously fucked-up comic about doctors who seem to have no knowledge of the Hippocratic Oath.
Templar, Arizona is a strange alt-history comic set in the modern-day fictional city of Templar. It follows the exploits of a young journalist with a shady past.
Wapsi Square started off normal enough, but now features a small Aztec god, a supernatural being split into four girls, and a young woman who literally has to fight off her personal demons.
Gone with the Blastwave - a post-apocalyptic battle comic. The soldiers are almost entirely incompetent and succeed mostly in getting lucky and pulling insane stunts.
Inappropriate Irving - Awkward conversation is now an art form.
Least I Could Do is another comic by Brian Sohmer. It follows the exploits of an extremely attractive, extremely lucky, extremely promiscuous man with my sense of humor.

That's my daily addiction list. Check them out.
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Now playing: The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love
via FoxyTunes

BAD IDEA!

Big D and the Kids Table covered a song by The Specials. They then made about fifteen videos for the song, "Little Bitch," that differed only in setting. We need to recreate this. All we really need is a fuckton of beer. Who's with me?


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Now playing: Westbound Train - Soapbox (Featuring Alex Desert Of Hepcat)
via FoxyTunes

Broke

As of today, I've got $48.50 and a Volkswagen Jetta to my name. That's maybe a tank and a half of gas. I've got to make that stretch maybe three weeks. I'm therefore not driving anyplace more than a mile out of the way and not offering to pick anyone up. I'm not going to movies or going out to eat. I probably won't eat lunch at UC. This money is for gas and gas only. Otherwise I don't make it to school to finish out the quarter. This is gonna make for a boring two or three weeks and is actually why the crush died (See post below). I can't afford to spend money on me, much less anyone else. I'll let you know when I get a paycheck and can freely hang out with you guys.

That also means I'm not driving to Louisville. Sorry, guys. Nothing I can do about it now. Not until finals are over on December 7th. I don't want your money, I just figured I'd let you know I didn't have any to spend on you. Don't get offended when I won't do anything that involves spending money or gas.

After reading Nikki's comment:
I'm not gonna be short on food. I'll just take shit with me to microwave in the lounge. I also have a meal plan.

Haha. I guess I made my situation sound more dire than it was. All I'm saying is that I don't have money to spend on you. I don't want you guys spending it on me.
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Now playing: The Verve Pipe - The Freshmen
via FoxyTunes

Funny how that works...

You know that bit where you ignore it and it goes away? Works that way with crushes. I have entirely lost interest and am now crushless. Sweet. Yeah, I was doing a shit poor job of hiding it in the first place, but anyone who doesn't know can ask and I'll tell you who it was. [shrug] IM me or something. I'll probably always find it funny that I lose the damn thing a few hours before I have the opportunity.

Novemberfest is going spectacularly. Just thought you'd like to know.

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Now playing: The Bloodhound Gang - Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss
via FoxyTunes

Aftermath

It was an interesting holiday, I guess. Day started off normal. Alicia made it here long before any of my family. Turns out I have the Military channel. Fuckin' A, man, fuckin' a. Also, my old man gave me a beer. This is nothing special to you, but it's the first beer I've been offered by a family member so it was nice. Sam Adams Winter Lager. It's damn good motherfuckin' beer. Played some pool. I suck at pool.

Then I went to Bellevue to grab Meagan and her friend Andrea. We watched some movies at her dorm. Ate some ramen. Nikki flipped and stormed out, which is the cause for this side rant:

Nikki - you have no spine. None whatsoever. Storming out like that was dumb. Next time we do something like that please, for the love of your god, throw us the fuck out. You hate it when we bother you or infringe on your space or whatever and you don't do jack shit to make us stop. If you ever want to change people you have to find the initiative to confront them. Simple as that.

Then I drove Andrea and Meagan back to Bellevue, called Brandon to make sure he was awake, heard some funny ranting and such from him, and saw motherfuckin' snow. I hate snow! I believe Alicia is finally leaving Tim. Judging by an away message I saw today I'm asking nobody out tomorrow. Meh; sometimes when you wait you miss out. I'll have other chances.

This song is in 7/4. How sweet is that?
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Now playing: Sufjan Stevens - Dear Mr. Supercomputer
via FoxyTunes

Ah, fuck it!

I'm pissed and ranting. It's a reasonably interesting rant, I think, but not one I can easily type. If you'd like to hear said rant I'll gladly oblige. Just figured I'd point that out. I'm happy when I'm angry and angry when I'm ranting.

As of right now I'm not quite angry enough to rant and I will never, under any circumstances, rant via IM. My fingers et tired too quickly.
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Now playing: Sufjan Stevens - Casimir Pulaski Day
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Ripped Apart

My current plan for today: Get off school, escape before traffic can kill me, call Brandon, call Stevo, drive Meagan to Best Buy, ice skate from 5:30 until whenever. It closes at 7:30, but I have to cut out early to make it to the next event, an ice cream party/movie night at Nikki's place, where I'll complain about the ice-inflicted bruises on my ass. Ask somebody out? If I run into her. Run into Plate at Nikki's and subsequently invite him to Sticky's party. I can't remember anything else. This is gonna be fuckin' intense. I'll be lucky if I'm not torn limb-from-bloody-limb by twelve people pulling in opposite directions. What the Fall Out Boy? Party Shuffle confuses Cameron! Hey, at least I've run into some boundless supply of sugar and adrenaline-fueled energy. I'm gonna need it.

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Now playing: Fall Out Boy - Dance, Dance
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Closing the Book

I finished the last book in Meagan's Dangerous Angels collection. Block wrote one more installment but I've yet to hunt that down and it won't come in a format so saturated with old memories as that book. The final installment, "Baby Be-Bop," was the story of Dirk and Duck. It contained notably more magic than the other books and served primarily to deepen the characters involved. I guess I don't have much to say about it. The book was a nice escape from the current stress and I'd highly suggest you guys getting your saucy hands on it.

The next book: "Foundation" by Isaac Asimov!

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Now playing: Thin Lizzy - Romeo and the Lonely Girl
via FoxyTunes

Sliding Back to Ska

I spent the longest time on a piano rock depressing shit binge and I don't know why. Anyway, I'm going back to ska. You can't be sad with ska. It only comes in two flavors: happy and happily angry. You guys get fair warning

In addition, I'm on a quest for punk. Any punk. Sex Pistols, Minor Threat, Social D, The Clash, X, Ramones, Fugazi, The Offspring... It's all fair game. Between Emily and Brandon's friends in Columbus I have access to more punk than you'd ever dream of. Ha. Brandon's friends in Columbus. I should say my friends in Columbus. It's been months since I've talked to some of the kids I grew up with.
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Now playing: Streetlight Manifesto - Everything Went Numb
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Procrastination Raised to an Art

I always figured hope would go out with a bang, but as I sit here in the lounge I find that hope is sneaky. It's cowardly. It sneaks out the back and tries to cross the border before it's missed. I think I'm gonna let it go.

I've not accomplished one of my academic goals since I sent my application to UC. My GPA is shot, I'm out of honors, my scholarships left with the good grades... I'm not even certain I'm going to coop in spring. The one thing I've been waiting to do for two long years is likely outside my grasp. I talked to advisers and they give me nothing I can use. Here's how it stands: I've dropped calculus because I was going to fail it. I might fail organic chemistry. I probably will fail thermodynamics. I'll probably scrape by in biology. I think I can pull a B or perhaps a C in organic lab. After this quarter I'll damn near certainly be called on by the academic standards committee. They'll give me two quarters to pull my grades up before they dismiss me, but I think it's a waste. I've got the will to control my emotions but I can't make myself do homework to save my life.

No, really. If you held a gun to my head and told me to do my calculus homework, I'd lay back and hope it was pretty when you painted the wall with my brains. I can't stand this shit. It's not surprising, though. I have no great passion in life. I picked engineering because it looked cool. I chose materials on a whim. Even if I wanted to change majors I doubt I'd do better because I fail classes I don't care for. Every one of my classes is a waste of my time now because I don't give a damn and I can't make myself do the work. Unfortunately, nobody offers a degree in "look up random shit," "go to concerts," or "road trips and shindigs."

If you asked around Beechwood two years ago nobody would have picked me as likely to flunk out of college. Funny how things change. What ever happened to the days when a man could make a living by traveling the country and picking up a few days of work when he could? I've got the aspirations of a hobo and none of the opportunities.

Road Rage!

I don't know how, but Meagan is a natural driver. She was in the Jetta two minutes before she had it figured out. We cruised around lot P for twenty minutes or so and then hung out and watched some TV. Real interesting shit.

It seems that Stevo's party being on a Monday is excluding half of the guests. I can go and Meagan can go because neither of us have class on Tuesday but Sarah's probably out and Nikki is definitely out. If I don't have the cash to waste gas like that I'm out as well.

This is my favorite Spoon song.
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Now playing: Spoon - You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb
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Another Mundane Update

BOA went really well, I think. Three minivans and a sedan made the trip up and my shiny black ride contained only myself, Alicia, and Kaitlin. Three hours of wandering around the Circle Center were uneventful. My pen leaked nigh continuously. LD Bell won the show.

On the way back we stopped in the middle of nowhere and stared at the stars. The sky was perfectly clear. We thought we saw Comet Holmes but it was hidden by trees. I found that out when I got home and looked northwest. It's bright as hell even in the city. Can't miss it.

My passengers had a few firsts on the way. Alicia had never seen fireworks inside the RCA Dome and Kaitlin had never seen the stars hanging in a country sky. Upon returning, we stopped at the Anchor, where Alicia complained about how tired I was and that I could kill us driving like that. I don't mind the complaining. I also didn't kill us.

And now we have a new day. My list of shit that needs done: Get a pie recipe to Alicia, contact Meagan and hand out the first driving lesson, work on biology and/or some lab reports, and finally begin planning the Thanksgiving bash in earnest.

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Now playing: Streetlight Manifesto - Failing, Flailing
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Micro-Blog 32

Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
-Lily Tomlin

The stars and comet were completely hidden by clouds. What kind of weaksauce is that?

Whatever. I think the plan is once again to be as blunt and simple as physically possible. What the fuck is eloquence anyway?

BOA tomorrow. WOO! Short, cryptic blog posts. WOO!
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Now playing: Spoon - You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb
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Micro-Blog 31

I was really incredibly depressed just an hour ago. I think I'm flunking out of my major and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm a coward and can't act on a crush. I am running out of time and money and patience.

Yet, somehow, I can always find the good in life. I sat on the couch in a pit of despair and realized that this is it. The worst part is over. I go to lab today to scan a sample and then it's a movie with Alicia and a trip to AJ Jolly to glare at the comet. Somehow it doesn't matter how unhappy I am - I see the stars and everything melts. It's just me and the universe. While I'm there I think I'll finally get around to asking the question you've all been waiting for. Plus, tomorrow is BOA. Fuck the bad times. I'm gonna be happy if it kills me!

I can never stay depressed for long. Something is terribly right with me.
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Now playing: Meat Loaf - You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth (Hot Summer Night)
via FoxyTunes

Missing Angel Juan

You know a book is good when someone lends it to you and you can see them in every page. Missing Angel Juan is so far the book with the most feeling. I've read a few books where I don't so much read as live and it's always really unique when I do. This post is incredibly short, yes, but I don't know that I can really describe it. For once it's less thought than impression. I'm more at peace now than I thought I could be.
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Now playing: The Pinstripes - 50 Cardinal
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Micro-Blog 30

I think I've completely stopped paying attention in class because I honestly don't understand a word any of my professors are saying. I am so far behind I may never catch up. I am growing steadily more certain that it may be time to find a new major. I am plainly not good enough for this one. I guess I'll just have to see if this quarter kills me. I've already had to drop one class. I'm doing badly in the rest. I'm presently staring at the blank page that is my thermodynamics homework. I don't know how to do a single problem.

I am so incredibly fucked I don't know what to do with myself. Welcome to intellectual suicide. Switching majors after more than a year feels too much like copping out. Maybe I can move to Clifton and get in-state tuition here for something other than engineering. Our teacher's college is outstanding and I may find myself teaching high school history or science or something. "But it's not the fall that hurts; it's when you hit the ground."
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Now playing: The Caesars - It's Not The Fall That Hurts
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Life Gets Interesting

I really need to get my hard drive to Norse Hall sometime. Meagan and Nikki keep mentioning stuff they want and I almost always have it. I've a few things to steal from Sarah while I'm at it.

I'm making a list of movies for future movie nights. Right now: Bicentennial Man and Pink Floyd The Wall. I'd also like to watch Dazed and Confused again.

I'm gonna teach Meagan to drive. Wish us luck.

Details on Steve's next party: Monday, December 3rd, at the Tunderdome. The theme is twofold: It's a St. Patrick's lingerie party. Wear very little or at least wear green. Bring Irish beer or whisky or, failing that, any thick, dark beer or any whisky. "You're allowed to hit women with sticks but if you do you have to produce a child, since that's how we Micks do things."

As usual, I get bored and request that you guys comment on my most recent MySpace blog post. It's called "Stolen from Meagan!" and has comments from Nikki, me, Kaitlin, and Meagan so far.

Short update. Whatever whatever. It's mundane and you don't really care anyway. :)
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Now playing: Tally Hall - Taken for a Ride
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Unbound

I finished the third book in the series surprisingly quickly. First, though, a quote I liked.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
American Proverb

The binding is still cracked and falling apart. I think I may take a day off from reading it tomorrow to better repair the old tome.

Each book in the series is dedicated to a character. Weetzie Bat in the first, Witch Baby Wigg Bat in the second, Cherokee Bat in the third... Cherokee is the daughter of Weetzie and goes through her own interesting aging process here. I'm reminded of people and events as I read through it and the poetic language holds through, bringing life to the maddening spiral through drugs and sex and violence that mar the rise of the kids' band, Goat Guys. No major quotes or arching points in this one, but it shows the darker side of all the kids and advances each character in ways I've yet to fully grasp.
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Now playing: Young Love - Find A New Way
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The Second Installment

I think I'm gonna leave a post about each book of the Weetzie Bat series. It's a departure from everything I'm known to read and it has a certain magic to it. This one paragraph, though, really stands out:

"...black sheeps express everyone else's anger and pain. It's not that they have all the anger and pain - they're just the only ones who let it out. Then the other people don't have to. But you face things, Witch Baby. And you help us face things. We can learn from you. I can't stand it when someone I love is sad, so I try to take it away without just letting it be. I get so caught up in being good and sweet and taking care of everyone that sometimes I don't admit when people are really in pain." Weetzie took off her pink sunglasses. "But I think you can help me learn to not be afraid, my black lamb baby witch."

That one paragraph sums up the second book and really is a synopsis of what Witch Baby spent the whole book learning for herself. If I get my hands on a copy I'm totally pushing this on you guys. Meagan's copy is falling apart but I think you guys would like this, so I'm on a slow quest for something in better shape and tied to fewer memories. Then it can be shared at will.
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Now playing: U2 - Sweetest Thing
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Tuesday Night Cheesefest

I randomly grabbed my Meat Loaf album in the car today and I really like how cheesy it can be. I mean, this shit is the consummate rock opera. Some of the lyrics are fucking sweet, too.

And I know that I'm damned if I never get out,
And maybe I'm damned if I do,
But with every other beat I've got left in my heart,
You know I'd rather be damned with you.
If I gotta be damned you know I wanna be damned,
dancing through the night with you.

I mean, you can't argue with that. It's so happy and idealistic and yet it has all the rock hooks and explosive solos you'd expect from the late seventies. Meat Loaf is best known for his part in the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but I think his actual music earns some merit. It puts you in a good mood, too. It's a bunch of corny hard rock love songs, the shortest of which is 4:21. And the cheesiest, most poetic line on the album:

I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long
I'm crying icicles instead of tears

This is such a departure from my normal shit but I don't give a fuck. It's fun stuff.
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Now playing: Meat Loaf - Bat Out Of Hell
via FoxyTunes

Tomorrow comes too fast!

And I'm gonna fail the living shit out of my organic chemistry exam tomorrow. I'm in a bad way, kids, and I don't know precisely how to fix it. Maybe something magical will happen tomorrow, though. When in doubt hope for magic.

Other people seem to be doing okay. Maybe. Or not. We're all fucked as a group, though.

Also, go read the post called "QUESTION!" and leave me some serious comments. I'm bored with this shit. :)

HOPE FOR MAGIC!
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Now playing: Jack's Mannequin - Miss Delaney
via FoxyTunes

Casting Call!

Kaitlin needs volunteers. Hows about some of you lovely people join her in making a movie?

What's the worst that could happen?
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Now playing: Wilco - On And On And On
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... But will I get to homework?

I took today off. I'm out of school for Veteran's Day and I so far have washed some hoodies, had a shower, and done, well, nothing else productive. All I've had to eat or drink today is a screwdriver with five shots of vodka and ten shots of orange juice. I'm working on a vodka and coke with four shots instead of the two it's supposed to have. I really needed a drink and I'll hopefully feel so much better tomorrow. I'm fairly well buzzed as of this writing and I intend to stay that way until 3 or so when I start my homework. Sometimes you just need a day off, I guess. Hell if I know. I certainly did. Also, I really like this CD. The album is "Everything In Transit" and the artist is below. If you don't have it already ask me for it.

And maybe, as an afterthought, I'll finally do something about the only thing that really bothers me... Even alcohol can't provide the courage. :)
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Now playing: Jack's Mannequin - I'm Ready
via FoxyTunes

I'm doing just fine.

For once... It's been a long time since I've felt nothing. So little stress. I'm just pleasantly content. Meagan is doing really well and I think she'll be fine soon enough. The trip to Jackson Center was wonderful. I'm not tired despite it being 3:30. Content is a good word for it. Maybe it'll stay that way.

The only concern is where I'm going with this stupid crush thing I have. I'm too socially inept to do anything about it and I have no idea what I'm going for but like all the rest I can always choose to ignore it and it'll go away. Maybe something interesting will happen. I dunno. I'm too much of a slacker or pussy or both to force it.

Read the below post. Comment it. Thanks. I chunked these into separate posts because I wanted the comments separate.

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Now playing: Ben Folds - You To Thank
via FoxyTunes

QUESTION!

Hey, my hair's been exactly the same for sixteen years. What should I do with it? Extra short, grow it out, color it, leave it the same? I don't know. I'd like you cats to help me out with this one.

I forgot to mention that I'm lazy. Anything that involves doing significantly more than just washing it every day is out. Also, no weird colors. I have to look presentable for job interviews or at the very least have the ability to look presentable.

What that means for me: No blatantly unnatural colors, for starters. Nothing expensive to maintain both in terms of time and money. You also have to take into account the tendency of my hair to form mullets. It grows quickly, making super-short hard and the back grows faster than the rest, making mullets inevitable if I don't semi-regularly trim the back until it's long enough. I'm just bored with the same shaggy cut I've always had. Keeping the sideburns is also somewhat important.
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Now playing: The Strokes - Someday
via FoxyTunes

On the bright side...

At least my mom is blaming my failing grades on the friends from Bellevue.

"That is exactly the environment we spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to move you out of and you've migrated back to exactly the same people."

What ever happened to personal responsibility? My friends aren't to blame. I did this shit to myself. I can't stand it when people misplace blame and I really don't like it when I fuck up and somebody tries to blame anyone but me.

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Now playing: Wilco - Hate It Here
via FoxyTunes

It Never Gets Any Easier

Yesterday was a travesty. Today I looked at blackboard and saw the grade I got on the second midterm. I just got an 8 out of 60 on my second calculus midterm. That makes my total grade 24/120. Looks like I'm going to have to talk to the professor. Ask her if it's physically possible to pass. If not I've got to drop the class. Then I get to talk to Dr. Roseman, my adviser, to see if my education can be saved. If I lose a quarter to this and coop gets pushed back I don't know that I can make it. I can't work with 18 credit hours every quarter and I don't have the money to keep going. I needed this coop.

This is it. For the first time I honestly think I can't scrape by and that I'm on a one-way road to failing out of engineering. I guess it's time to start seriously thinking about what else I could major in. My mind seems to be at NKU anyway. UC is just a good dream that's quickly going to shit. I've been faking happy for too long and I'll be taking bets on how long I can keep it up...

And the fun part is that the two people I'm most likely to talk to are right here with me, losing their minds and watching the future die.

UPDATE: I have, in fact, failed that class. I'm withdrawing ASAP so it doesn't harm my GPA any more than it has already. Honestly, I feel better. Knowing I've failed is so much better than believing it but still having hope.
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Now playing: Camera Obscura - The Last Song
via FoxyTunes

Son of a bitch!

I never could get the hang of Thursdays. Now I outright hate them. Little by little they're stealing my mind and this one was the strangest yet. Before you ask,

-I don't know if I'm okay or if I ever really was.
-I don't want to talk about it if you weren't involved.

That is all.
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Now playing: Less Than Jake - Surrender
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Two Quotes and a Book

"It is often said, mainly by the 'no-contests', that although there is no positive evidence for the existence of God, nor is there evidence against his existence. So it is best to keep an open mind and be agnostic. At first sight that seems an unassailable position, at least in the weak sense of Pascal's wager. But on second thoughts it seems a cop-out, because the same could be said of Father Christmas and tooth fairies. There may be fairies at the bottom of the garden. There is no evidence for it, but you can't prove that there aren't any, so shouldn't we be agnostic with respect to fairies?" - Richard Dawkins

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
Oscar Wilde

I read the first book of the Weetzie Bat series yesterday. The book itself is interesting. The spine is cracked and the cover wrinkled and warped and it carries a distinct scent that is pre-nicotine addicted Meagan. It's obviously been close to her for a long time. The stains on the pages are stories in themselves, each one left by a younger Meagan or a friend she lent the book to. The damn thing is soaked through with memories.
After the first book I can see the effect it had on her, too. The writing is strangely poetic but still entirely prose. The setting is really interesting, too. It's a world seemingly without prejudice and everything from mixed-race couples to homosexuality to drug use are perfectly accepted and understood. It's interesting. I don't know what else I can say without exposing details of the plot, so I'll stop now, but this is the sort of book that can be used as an escape. It's a world not without problems but where problems are accepted and dealt with rationally despite the occasional appearance of serious strife and some magic. I like it.

Also, I was wrong when I said "Brick" by Ben Folds Five was the saddest song in my collection. One of the theme mix CDs contains "Agnus Dei" by Samuel Barber.
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Now playing: Lucky Soul - Add Your Light To Mine, Baby
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Media Extravaganza!

Christianity:
The belief that some cosmic Jewish zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

Makes perfect sense.

Okay, aside from the two movies below I'm on another sort of quest. I've been after several artists for quite a while, so if you have any of them (The Dandy Warhols, Ween, others) I'd like them. I found all my old soundtrack CDs. It's a set of four mix CDs with themes I liked from various video games and movies. I haven't seen them in a couple years and they bring back some powerful memories. The third mix, which contains four or five songs from "A Beautiful Mind," was the real find.

So far as books go I picked up Asimov's "Foundation" from the library today, which I plan on reading right after "Dangerous Angels" and right before "Fulgrim." If you've got suggestions other than the Foundation series I'd love to hear them.

A note on books - I think I get a different flavor from every friend. While I have a preference for classic science fiction and count Asimov, Heinlein, and Adams among my favorite authors, I also enjoy what they have to provide. Brandon is my source of books published by the Black Library. Emily is responsible for my love of Transmetropolitan, Preacher, and any other graphic novels I may enjoy. She also gets me addicted to webcomics. Meagan handed me the Weetzie Bat series and by how she was talking about it I know it'll be good. So you guys choose a flavor for yourselves and push books on me!
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Now playing: Badly Drawn Boy - Promises
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Brass and Ivory

Hey, I'm hunting down two movies from the library when I can get my hands on them. They're both scored by James Horner and the soundtracks are notable for arcing coral parts, excited piano bits, and carefully layered brass. I really like what he did for these two films. They are "Bicentennial Man" starring Robin Williams and directed by Chris Columbus and "A Beautiful Mind" starring Russel Crowe and directed by Ron Howard. I tell you this for two reasons: The first is that when I get them I'd like to know if you want in on the viewing.

The other is more related to posts like this in general. I know who most of my readers are, but I can't pinpoint all of them and I don't know who of the originals still keeps up with this thing. If you wouldn't mind terribly I'd like you to comment on whether you'd like to see either of the above and roughly how well you keep up with this crazy thing.

Thanks.

Sidenote: Acoustic Brew tomorrow. Let me know if you're in.
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Now playing: Ben kweller - Wasted and Ready
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Strange Relevance

These two quotes seem to fit the current state of things. I'll probably bitch about the state of things later if I'm feeling it.

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
Philip K. Dick

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
Robert Frost

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Now playing: The Strokes - Automatic Stop
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Wheeee!

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.
Mark Twain

Just thought that was funny.

I have no clue why but I'm swinging like a bored kid in a playground. Whatever. As long as I swing back up I'm dandy.

Finally got the fucking pen working with no leaks. I only cut a few new notches in my fingers while I was doing it. Fucking hobby knife. :)

Got this random Indie playlist from Sarah. It's fucking sweet. I've been listening for two hours and I've yet to hear something I didn't like. I loves me some Get Him Eat Him.

I know there was more to this post but I can't for the life of me remember what I wanted to write.

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Now playing: Get Him Eat Him - 2x2
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Still Growing Up

The concert went well.

Lately I've discovered that I'm getting strangely close to my friends. I'm actually important to people and I find that people are important to me and I don't know I've ever really felt that way before. I mean, it isn't anything weird or creepy but I made a joke about how I might fall asleep in the car and die on the way home so mid-drive I got a text from Meagan asking me to let her know when I got home safe. I can't remember the last time someone's sent a message like that. Just something simple to make sure I got home regardless of the fact that nothing could have gone wrong. I dunno.

Maybe I've just never really felt like I had a role to play. Now I'm seeing little signs that I matter and I finally feel like I belong. Kinda sappy and stupid but whatever.

This song fits the moment. Maybe not literally; it's about his son. As cheesy as it sounds, what fits is the theme that we're all still growing and the fight's not over but we're gonna turn out okay and better off for having fought together.
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Now playing: Ben Folds - Still Fighting It
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Oh fuck no!

So here's the deal:
I'm in school next quarter. I will definitely not be cooping because I'm doing that spring quarter. I have five classes, all of which have only one section I can take and most of which have only one section period. Today was the first day I could register for classes. Every one of my classes is full. I can't get into a single class and I can't modify the schedule at all because it only fits one way. I'm gonna hunt down some advisers and see what can be done. Wish me luck.

Also, Stone Sour is a band I didn't know I liked. Now I know, I guess.
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Now playing: Stone Sour - Your God
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Under the Stars

Randomly went to A.J. Jolly with Meagan and Nikki tonight. Whatever awkwardness seems to be gone now. I'm happy about that. The highlight of the evening was laying on this creepy land bridge staring up at the Milky Way. I think we're camping some weekend. It'll be sweet.

Very little can really stir emotion in me. The stars always manage somehow. I'm gonna build myself an observatory someday. I'd walk in and never say a word.

Micro-Blog 29

i want to go out to AJ Jolly and hike around
be in nature.

instead i guess I will drink some rum
and lie in my bed
I feel scared to ask people to hang out now.
I dont want to talk about it
I dont want to be looked at differently

I'm such a failure.

Why is it that every time people screw up in large numbers only one person really feels like shit?

I dunno. I've got a lot of work to do, I guess. Last thing I need is one of my most valued friendships taking serious damage from something so simple as backfired advice.
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Now playing: Blaqk Audio - Again, Again And Again
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Shameless Plug!

So fucking many blogs today.

This one is primarily to tell you that I'd really like it if you could go to my MySpace profile and check out the blog post called "Stolen from Meagan!". It's been up for a while but I've only gotten two replies. Normally I don't ask for this sort of thing but I'm kinda curious now. Link's on the right.

Thanks.

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Now playing: My Morning Jacket - Into The Woods
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Micro-Blog 28

I've written too many blogs in too short a time, and this one is the most generically emo post I've ever not immediately deleted after I wrote it.

But I've changed moods a lot today. This is one I'll hopefully be deluding myself out of soon. I've had a bit of an epiphany today. I think maybe the reason I'm so happy all the time is because I'm so good at lying to myself that I can say I'm happy and always fall for it. The problem is that the lie stops working when you know it isn't true.

It's taking everything I've got to stay up here. I really want to run to the trunk and ask the bottle of vodka to solve my problems, but I've got more self control and common sense than that. I've never run for booze because I was unhappy and it's not a habit I intend to form.

Everybody's changing and I don't feel the same.
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Now playing: Keane - Everybody's Changing
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Hey bro!

Interesting conversation today:

(16:48:33) Cameron Hodge: I feel old. :)
(16:48:46) Kaitlin Shupert: Because you are.
(16:48:51) Kaitlin Shupert: ..not really
(16:51:22) Cameron Hodge: Close enough.
(16:51:37) Cameron Hodge: I'm usually the oldest in my various circles.
(16:52:16) Cameron Hodge: I've got Brandon by a month, you and the Joes by a couple years, Nikki by several months, Meagan by about a year.
(16:52:47) Kaitlin Shupert: But age is relative.
(16:54:23) Cameron Hodge: Yeah, and as the most emotionally stable I still have right to feel oldest.
(16:54:38) Kaitlin Shupert: Yeah... okay
(16:54:44) Kaitlin Shupert: As long as I get sleep I'm stable.
(16:55:07) Kaitlin Shupert: Like I had 14 hours of sleep, and I feel great.
(16:55:17) Kaitlin Shupert: I have been doing things, too!
(16:55:19) Kaitlin Shupert: Yeah.
(16:55:45) Kaitlin Shupert: And you also act older than the rest of us (taking how I just acted as an example)
(16:55:55) Cameron Hodge: :)
(16:56:30) Kaitlin Shupert: I'm usually the oldest with my Beechwood friends... but youngest with all of my close friends.
(16:56:37) Cameron Hodge: I'm declaring myself the older brother of the group, since I more or less serve as one.
(16:56:48) Kaitlin Shupert: That you do.
(16:57:18) Cameron Hodge: I'll abuse you kids in older brother-type ways but also be the guy who sneaks you illicit substances and drives you places you shouldn't be going to.
(16:57:40) Kaitlin Shupert: Yup
(16:57:49) Cameron Hodge: Right then.
(16:58:03) Kaitlin Shupert: Awe... I have two siblings, now!
(16:58:08) Kaitlin Shupert: VooT!
(16:58:08) Cameron Hodge: :-D
(16:58:16) Kaitlin Shupert: You're my favorite.

And you know, I really feel that way. I think it fits. Here I am, bullying you while trying to show I really care, watching from afar as everyone forms their relationships and doing what I can when things go wrong...

I dunno. Am I justified in feeling this way? You tell me.

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Now playing: Ben Folds - Trusted
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Micro-Blog 27

You wouldn't think something so insignificant could earn a separate blog post, but I've found my old brass-nibbed fountain pen. Got it working again. I really like fountain pens. How they write, the fact that you have to take things a little slower lest you smear the ink, the delicate scratching of metal on paper...

I'm so happy! With any luck I'll be able to pick up some cartridges that fit my pen when I bug Brandon at work tomorrow.

This is also the first time I've heard all of this album. Got it from Sarah with the rest of her stuff. I'm really happy about that. I like the opening lines to this song. If you click the name of the song it'll take you to all the song's details.

And I'm geeking once again today. After a supremely stressful week the first few hours of the weekend have me feeling wonderful.

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Now playing: Ben Folds - Zak and Sara
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Feels Like Forever

So I was at the Halloween party of one Jacqueline Frentzel last night. First time I'd seen her since, well, fifth grade. I left Bellevue a month before she and Quentin did and had zero contact with either of them until the random Facebookings this time last year that also led to the rediscovery of Nikki. The random Facebookings ended spectacularly well, as you can see.
Not much to say about the actual party. It was nice and I was the DD for some strange hippy-like guy whose actual first name is "Badger." The main detail is the idea I was presented with. I find PJ and maybe hunt down Andrew Crail and she'd get Queege in from Boston and we'd have ourselves a reunion of sorts.

Cameron is on a quest.

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Now playing: Louis XIV - Pledge Of Allegiance
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Godless Agenda

Brandon mentioned something on The Cannon about explaining religion. He'd post general facts about his if we'd give ours a quick run-through. I immediately set about putting my beliefs into words and realized I can't tell people without sounding like I'm converting them. Fortunately for me and anyone interested Atheism is real simple. I'm a man of logic and reason and until I see proof I have no belief. I like to think random chance runs the show because it means anything is possible. It also doesn't come with any of the logical conflicts and contradictions of a world ruled by deities.

I've always found religion interesting, though. Most people of faith are ignorant people of faith and I take pride in knowing more about their customs and beliefs than they do. It sometimes leads to conversion, but if I do it right I can convince people to reexamine their own beliefs. I don't mind people who know their beliefs but blind followers are idiots.

But, like I said, I'd have to write a book or tell you just that much. If you actually want to hear the rant you'll have to talk to me in person. :)
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Now playing: Coldplay - Talk
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Micro-Blog 26

Weeks like this will kill me. Maybe I'll just come out brain dead. Too many weird situations that I don't want to think about and all the time I know I should be sleeping. Monday feels like forever ago.

Fuck that shit. Anything I do this weekend won't interfere with my sleep schedule. That's my plan. If it will it better be a damn good idea.
Quote's shamelessly stolen from Meagan, for the record.

"I know it's not a party if it happens every knight." - The Postal Service - "This Place Is a Prison"

I'd be able to see that things were looking up if my eyelids would stop falling down.
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Now playing: The Strokes - Fear Of Sleep
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Read the one right below first.

Seen the title? Good. Do it. This one needed a separate post that I want you to comment on.

Acoustic Brew tomorrow, 6-9 as usual. If you want to come you should comment or text or something.

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Now playing: Ben Folds Five - Army
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The Battle of Who Could Care Less

Figure I should warn you guys - this one's kinda emo. Well emo for me. Not saying much with that. If you're gonna comment on it do it via IM please. I'm fine posting this but I don't want to have public conversations about it. I'm gonna block comments on this post only if it's possible.

So far as holidays go, this one kinda sucked. School school school followed by an alright party. Guess it went as well as I expected, though. Between the two I hung with Trish and smoked a little. I'm not sure why; the shit does nothing for me. Got my hands on a fuckton of music. That's pretty cool. Didn't accomplish one of the goals. Didn't even bother trying, despite the advice of the people who know about said goal.

Big surprise there. I never follow through with shit. I just tell people about it because I'm a little wasted and know I'll never try anything. You encouraging me does nothing to change that so it's best if you don't bother. People who know what I'm talking about don't need to comment on it here. I have an IM client. I said that before but I really stress it with this subject. People who don't know aren't getting told about it.

But what do I give a fuck for? I think it's time I trained myself to stay silent when I've been drinking. I'd rather not tell people that shit in the future.

I have nine new emails and can't check them because the page won't load. Same thing with Facebook and MySpace. Really doesn't help with the general sense of frustration.

Maybe I just need some sleep. Maybe I don't fuckin' know what I need. I don't even know what I want anymore.
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Now playing: Ben Folds Five - Battle of Who Could Care Less
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