A Bit Lost

A few people have asked if it felt weird to see everyone else going back to school, knowing I wasn't with them. No, it didn't. UC starts so late I was entirely used to people going back and leaving me with a month of summer. It just hit me today that it's a feeling that I'm missing. Specifically, one of Tamra's omnipresent MySpace bulletins about the weird stuff she does with her NKU friends. It's that feeling that's weird. The knowledge that everyone else is returning to school, planning for the coming year, cracking down to study or party.

It's a feeling that I won't experience this year for the first time since I was six. September will come and go and I'll remain unchanged as the people around me get a new spring in their steps, get used to the sights and sounds and smells of college or high school. They'll reconnect with old friends and teammates, repopulate old hangouts, retrace the steps they once walked on breezy autumn days.

I didn't miss the mass return of college because I thought of it in terms of my friends going away. It's a little weirder knowing I won't experience the same old emotions they will. Maybe if Wesley has a lot of empty spots, I'll wander up to UC once a week or so and go for a walk around campus, just to remind myself what I gave up and steel myself for a return of sorts. The life I've chosen now is not sustainable. I need a job that I can learn to love or at least will pay the bills and get me out of this house. I need a place that will allow me to host friends and more under my own terms.

I am twenty years young, and I am a bit lost.
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