I am tired. I'm tired of wasting my time, money, and effort on things that make no difference. I'm tired of constantly saving money not so I can enjoy it later but because I know my car will need another costly repair soon. I'm tired of throwing time and money at bar school and engineering, only to see them fail to improve my life. I'm tired of knowing huge quantities of random shit and not getting paid for any of it. I'm tired of being tired.
I often reflect on the past few years. What I see saddens me. I've succeeded only in my social life. I found a sister in Kaitlin and a confidante in Alicia. I found close friends in Meagan, Brandon, James, and Emily. I found the perfect partner in Sarah. I'm even closer to my douchebag brother. Outside this narrow range, however, is little but loss and despair. Since high school I've flunked out of college before the end of the second year. I bought a car that frequently malfunctions. I've been toiling away at SKF for 14 months, ignoring my status as a temporary worker and spending every second wishing I was anywhere else. I spent $850 on bartending school without a single interview to show for it. I acquired a motorcycle license but still can afford no bike. I committed a year of my life to moving out before I was ready. At a time when my peers are looking forward to senior year, I spend my days moving boxes for $9.35 an hour and reflecting sadly on the past.
Just as often, I think about the future. I wonder how I'm going to get out of SKF. I wonder how I'll pay the rent, and what I have to cut out of my budget to make ends meet. I wonder why I rushed myself into new living arrangements. I wonder when and how I can return to school, and what I might study when I get there.
I know a few things, though. I know my love of learning may someday come in handy if I can focus it. I know that if I can get an affordable, comfortable motorcycle I can put fewer miles on the Jetta and reduce the chance of failure. I know that I've always been able to slide by. I know that I have a solid support system.
Maybe all this introspection is doing me no good. Maybe I'm not half the failure I see in myself. Maybe all I need is a good night's rest. I'm tired of being tired.
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You're smarter than you give yourself credit for. I honestly think your bar school stuff could be very worth it, especially if you're willing to have an erratic schedule for a bit. Seriously, try some of the catering/reception places. It's a start, and they are more willing to hire inexperienced, especially if you pester them and show that you've gone through a legitimate program.
I still feel like I'm going to be inable to pay rent, about two years after I moved out.It's scary to feel like you actually have to be an adult now. I can only speak for myself and say that even if it's stressful sometimes, I really feel that being separate from the parents yet still in rescue distance is nice... and this should be an even bigger concern for me, given that I can't drive and am fairly dependent. You will be fine. Worst case scenario, you have problem a few months and your roommates help you out. It happens.
Everyone has car problems. You've got a nice car though, and it seems it's been pretty good to you given the miles you put on it. And the miles, and the repairs, are worth it if the added mileage is the result of having a Sarah.
I know how things go sometimes. You have more skills than most people our age in varying areas. Be optimistic, hun.
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