Hiding from the Future

I think part of the reason I like second shift is that I never run into my family. Dad and I basically ignore each other. Ethan and I manage the same most of the time. What I really ran from was mom. I bumped into her tonight after work. I always get the same conversation, too. She wishes it was 2006. She tried so hard to take us out of Bellevue and give us opportunities and I back-slid into everything they tried to avoid. It's blatantly a guilt trip and it shouldn't work on me but for some reason this does. For some reason every time I hear it I want to grab the woman and shake her and shout, "God damn it, I know! I fucking know! You think this is easy, knowing I failed? I'm a college dropout. Every one of my dreams has died because I failed to do anything about them. Just let me sort shit out!"

I mention getting out and hear that they're not trying to get rid of me. I know they mean it, but I want to get out. I'm almost 21 and I'm still stuck at home, working a dead-end job, knowing the past was so much brighter. I want to get out of this place and stand alone, away from the shadow of my parents. I need to be a functioning member of society.

I was having a pretty good day until I got home, only frustrated that Sarah was having a rough day and I couldn't do shit from 100 miles away. At this point, I don't think I've ever been more angry with the length of I-71. Seems like both of us could do with a hug.