For Your Information

That last post was probably not a good idea. I'm not naturally stable, kids. I got this way through an experience more traumatic that you guys have had. A few of you (Nikki, Emily Wernet) know the story, but I think it's time I made it public.

It was one of my random trips. Me, three friends, and a beat-up Buick. The goal was always the same: go someplace, have fun, hook up, come home. I'm not gonna mention any names in case some of you know the kids because they told me to never talk about it unless they could stay anonymous. I'm gonna use a euphemism for the one kid who needs to be referred to, though.

Anyway, we were finishing up one such trip in Missouri and finished things off with a lot of cheap beer. Turns out one of us, we'll call him Jack, wasn't enjoying himself. At all. He came from a bad family and didn't like himself to begin with but we could always cheer him up. He was the only one who didn't get laid on this trip, though. Kid finally lost it the next morning. I was passed out in the back of the car under a girl named Sarah. Jack didn't know this and hopped in the car. He was fifteen and without a license (just a tad younger than me) and still wasted. We were in the middle of nowhere near the middle of the state and he decided to gun it. Went straight for a landmark he'd been staring at as we passed.

You know those big metal pylons electricity companies use for high-voltage, long-distance lines? That's what he was after. Drove right up to the base of one and scrambled out of the car. I was still hidden at this point, and had managed to keep Sarah quiet and find my pants. I followed the kid out of the car.

His plan: climb the tower. I wouldn't have any of it but he was halfway up and a lot more afraid of heights than I am now. All I could do was yell at him and try to get him off the tower before he hurt himself. That was, of course, the goal. The kid got near the top, shouted "Fuck you, guys! I'm fuckin' tired of it all!" and just dove off. Hit the hard Missouri dirt ten feet from me with a sound I don't want to hear again ever. The kid's head burst like an egg hit by a hammer. It was... fucked up. I remember pulling flakes of his skull out of my right shin with a pair of pliers.

It seriously fucked me up, too. The only way I could survive something like that was to crawl into a little shell and not come out until I had complete control over my thoughts and emotions. I had to be able to control everything by willpower alone because I don't think anything else would have worked. I just wouldn't be fit for society or something. My response was to harden myself to that shit, but you can't do it completely. You can't block out that kind of trauma. I can keep myself happy for almost everything, though. Natural deaths, even accidental death won't faze me much, but if I lose another friend to suicide I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do. I won't be remotely the same, though. That's why it freaks me out so much when I hear somebody I care about threaten it or actually give it a try. I'm not gonna lose somebody like that. Not again. So enough of that shit from you kids. I don't need that kind of stress. :)

Sorry, Amber. No happy ending here. I'm still comfortable talking about this if it means anything. The next post is all happy ending, though.